On Wednesday night, scores of children and their parents will flood the suburbs around Emory campus in search of candy. On the night before, the infamous Hallow’s Eve, one group of individuals also went house to house, in an effort to terrorize and stock up on candy.
“They called me a rotted beast and threatened to shit on my car if I didn’t hand over the entire bowl of candy. They said they needed it. I opened the door and saw them all standing on my porch, in black robes and plastic masks,” explained Janet Pincher, a local mother, while her children cleaned the debris from her house. “I couldn’t see any of their faces. All I could see was a test with a bold red D- in one of their pockets.” The masked hoodlums demanded Mrs. Pincher give them all her candy, but she refused. “I slammed the door in their faces.”
The gang then teepeed the Pincher residence, threw eggs and water balloons at the home, and shit on Janet Pincher’s Kia Sorento. “We should have just given them the candy. It would have been simpler. Plus, they wouldn’t have threatened my GPA. I’m not even in school and that still freaks me out,” stated Janet’s husband, James Pincher, before spraying the shit off of their Kia’s windshield with a garden hose.
This Halloween morning, a note on Department of Environmental Studies letterhead was sent to The Spoke. It explained the intentions of these unknown hooligans as, “We refuse to pay for our own candy. Those bastards take handfuls of it every day. We can’t keep buying new bags for them. My desk candy budget is absurd. Halloween is the best opportunity to get free candy and we’ll shake as much candy out of these schmucks as we can.”
At press time, students noted the disappointing raisins offered on the desk of Professor Suzy Macklway in the psychology department. Professor Macklway continues to blame “that old bitch Margaret Crimrose on King Street.”
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