Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Halloween may be fun, but maybe this year turn it down a notch ok? We wouldn’t want a repeat of when you chugged the entire bottle of Fireball, screamed “I’m Charizard bitcheeeees,” and fell down three flights of stairs. Or when you vomited onto someone dressed as a police officer, panicked, and ran into the road with your eyes closed because “if I can’t see you, you can’t see me.” Or that time you…
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
People born under the sign of the bull are headstrong, but if you want to be employable, you should probably take a step back and brainstorm a bit longer before you settle on a costume. You should also track down any and all pictures from previous years because your future boss can NOT see you that time you were in blackface because those pants did NOT flatter you and that would be SO embarrassing.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Everyone around you seems to be talking about spooky tricks, but you’re in it for the treats. Treat yourself to everything you deserve: go to parties even if you have morning classes, eat a pound of Hershey’s for breakfast, forget about basic hygienic standards. Be sure to really indulge in between your trademark midterm mental breakdowns.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Cancers often have high emotional intelligence, being in tune with the feelings of others, so sit down and watch a horror movie with your friends. Notice the energy of the room shift as their hearts start to race, their gaze frozen to the screen. Isn’t it exhilarating? Close your eyes and revel in their screams. This, this is what being alive feels like.
Leo (July 23 – August 21)
Halloween is a perfect time of year for the attention-seeking Leo. You thrive on people complimenting your detailed costume. You’re excited when you walk into the party and all conversation comes to a halt, or when you can see people whispering about you out of the corner of your eye. Frankly, you’re flattered when the cops find out it was you who killed all those people.
Virgo (August 22 – September 23)
As the most emotional and vulnerable of the signs, Virgo’s may have difficulties getting into the thrills and chills of Halloween. Instead, you tend to fixate on other holidays. Maybe this year consider not being that bitch who starts singing Christmas carols in October and makes her own candy cane hot chocolate when it’s still 80 degrees outside.
Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Libras are detail-oriented people who like to check things thoroughly before they’re done. So you’ve certainly noticed strange things happening: your belongings have moved when you come back to your room, your dreams have been more murderous than usual, and your hot date still hasn’t texted you back. You’re definitely being haunted and a ghost must have killed your boo because there’s no way Bradathan isn’t in love with you.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Born close to Halloween, your spirit is naturally attuned to the unholy. You were never really one for superstition but you do notice that you get a wicked headache whenever someone says “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance. Be sure to steer clear of the occasional priest; though they can do no harm to your physical form, it’s always difficult to have to find a new body after they exorcise you.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
Halloween is the most exciting day of the year! People dress up in awesome costumes and there’s free candy! Why do your friends keep telling you you’re too old to trick or treat? More importantly, why do parents keep threatening to call the police when you offer to take off your clothing in order to get more candy?
Capricorn (December 23 – January 20)
Sure, you might have just gone through a bad breakup, but the best way to distract yourself is by really getting into the Halloween spirit. After all, maybe your ex will look extra ugly in the same costume they go in every year. Or maybe they’ll wear something new and sexy and you’ll spend the night crying all over someone dressed as a toilet paper mummy.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Now is the time of pumpkins, spiders, and ghoulish delight but there might be a chance you’re just a little too into Halloween. You’ve had your costume planned since November 1 of last year. You only applied to Emory because the mascot was a skeleton. You ate so much Count Chocula that your teeth fell out and you replaced them with candy corn. Your roommate is terrified of you.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
Because of your attachment to Neptune, yours is one of the more creative signs. Halloween may prove a challenge as you strive to find the perfect costume. You have to show the world you’re not like those basic bitches being slutty angels and demons. Everyone will recognize you as the Queen of Halloween when they see your sexy Mr. Rogers outfit.
Be First to Comment