On Monday morning, Emory students marched across campus in a demonstration against the administration’s recent announcement that all gender neutral bathrooms will be closing within the week. Student protestors have expressed their disappointment with the announcement, explaining that they shouldn’t have to fight for basic gender inclusivity in 2023. When faced with the accusation that this decision marks a major step backwards in gender inclusivity on Emory’s campus, the administration responded defensively, citing a widespread influx in pube trimming incidents in the gender neutral bathrooms.
“In no way is Emory university opposed to gender expression,” Greg Fenves, President of Emory University, said in a press release. “However, there is a disturbing amount of pubes on the floor of the bathrooms. It’s just like…so gross.”
A source close to the President (who wishes to remain anonymous) informed The Spoke that the pube situation gave Fenves “the heebie jeebies.”
The university launched an investigation last month, forcing pre-med students to run DNA tests on the pubes to identify the major culprits (ten pre-meds swiftly dropped their major and joined the B-school). Emory’s administration was horrified to find that not only were there more than one hundred individuals implicated in the Dobbs gender neutral bathroom pubes situation alone, some of the pubes dated back to the 1980’s.
In an especially disturbing discovery, students traced one pube to a woodland animal. The university has explicitly asked that The Spoke not report on which species’ pubes were found so as not to cause alarm among the student body, so this article is legally unable to state what animal it was (it was a badger).
In light of this investigation, the university’s initial plan to temporarily close the bathrooms for deep cleaning was abandoned in favor of more extreme measures. Starting December 1, 2023, Emory University will be systematically blowing up each of the gender neutral bathrooms in a safe, controlled explosion.
In terms of preventative measures, Emory announced that it plans to add a new unit to the required Health class for freshmen, titled “The Art of Manscaping,” in which students will have the opportunity to learn sustainable pube-trimming techniques, as well as find a safe space to dispose of their pubes.
In the meantime, the university hopes to place a positive spin on these events, with a recent instagram post reading: “One tiny step backwards for gender inclusivity, one giant leap forward for bathrooms that don’t smell like an unidentified woodland creature’s junk.”
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