Following Boil Water Advisory, Emory Elects to Move Entire Campus to More Competently Run City

After much discussion following the second boil water advisory in the last two years, Emory University’s president and her administration have decided that the best course of action for Emory is to physically relocate the entire campus to another city, ideally a more competently run one. “We are over the whole ‘Atlanta’ thing,” says an administrative representative. “It’s very expensive to have to boil water, let it cool, and then heat it up again, just to give it to Freshmen who probably don’t drink water on a day- to- day basis anyways.” Administration has confirmed that they are anticipating further problems concerning the city. “This city’s falling apart. Between the on-and-off again undrinkable water and those God awful ‘roads,’ we can’t afford to have our campus here. I’d rather have us literally anywhere else.”

Discussion concerning how to actually go about relocating are in the works. On the first day of discussions, no solution was reached. On the morning of the second meeting, President Sterk confirmed that she found a solution to their predicament. “I was watching Spongebob season 2, episode 40b. You guys know the one, right?” she inquired to a room of blank stares and confused faces. “This pink man, Patrick, said that they should take their city, Bikini Bottom, and push it to another place.” The administrative committee, dumbstruck by their president’s ingenuity, couldn’t help but agree. Said one representative, “I think she’s got the right idea. It’ll probably be hard though; it could take like 100 people to push a building to a different city.” Talks are underway as to where to move the campus. “We were considering Savannah and Athens, but those places kind of suck too.” The current plan is to switch campuses with Oxford College and “let them have the falling-apart city.”