Kaldi’s. You know it. You… know it. It’s a staple here at Emory, but is it really worth it? Um, news flash: it TOTALLY IS! In this review, I uncover the truth of this coffee giant and why you should, like, definitely go.
Atmosphere is everything, and Kaldi’s scores high in this area. The exposed brick and lightbulbs gives it a groundbreaking gentrified feel. Sure, there might never be any seating available, but that just makes you want it more. That sexy little tease of there being no booths left time and time again is part of the allure.
Now I know some people might say that $10 for a greek salad is overpriced for your average college student, to that I say grow some balls and ask daddy for a little extra spending money. And if you are somehow both at Emory and don’t have a trust fund, a side hustle as a sugar baby can be very rewarding. And if you don’t have the money and would rather not sell your *ehem* time, then get fucked. Kaldi’s is not for the weak.
Now onto food. I ordered the avocado toast. Presentation was deliciously real. Plenty of avocado mash, with just a hint of brown bits and a single hair resting atop, completing a masterpiece. The feta and greens said oh, we can be high-end if we want to and the brown mash and hair said we don’t want to. The only way to describe it is ‘art’; it made statements that blew me away. It was cool, too cool to try to win your affection. It told a story of a young boy-turned successful movie star, who had left the streets, and yet, still had the streets living inside him. The message was so powerful and overwhelming that I had to stand up and applaud the blossoming culinary artist responsible for this piece.
I don’t know how it tasted because obviously I didn’t eat it.
Finally, I must address recent controversy surrounding Kaldi’s health inspection rating. Yes, they failed their health inspection last year with reports of ‘expired food’ and not enough ‘hand washing’. And yeah, one worker kept ‘pulling his pants up’ while he was ‘making food.’ Also they stored ‘raw food’ next to ‘cooked food.’ And ok, there was also a lot of ‘dirty surfaces,’ but this is, like, one health inspector dude’s opinion. Besides, washing hands distracts the chef from his process. Basically, these allegations are horseshit and you should just, like, grow up. Get over yourself, you can survive a few ‘floor germs,’
Overall, Kaldi’s gets an A+ from me. It’s cool yet grimy; it’s hip yet unattainable. It’s everything you want in a coffee shop. In my humble opinion, you’d better get down there before the health department closes them down for good.
EDIT: The fact that Kaldi’s sponsored this review has in no way impacted this reporter’s journalistic integrity.
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