EPD Chases Rogue Limer across Cox Bridge on a Bird

Gone are the days of bike cops chasing suspects on foot throughout campus à-la 21 Jump Street.  We have now entered the age of electric scooters.  These wonderful devices were available for all to use, that is until Emory imposed an electric scooter ban.  Electric scooter companies and students alike refuse to follow this ban as electric scooter companies drop off their scooters at Emory Point and residents ride them to campus and leave them in the “no-ride zone.” These scooters then get circulated around to other students.  While the students hustle and scheme to get their scooter fix in, EPD officers are sitting smugly in their station with ready access to Limes, Birds, and Jumps.  

Last week the tension came to a crux when one EPD officer, Gerald Castor, decided that he had enough of this insubordinate and churlish disregard for the law.  “I was just really fed up with the few delinquents who make campus life unsafe for the rest of the bright and scholarly Emory students,” said Castor. Eyewitnesses report Castor laying out scooter spike strips across Cox Bridge at 10:37 AM and then camping out on his EPD requisitioned bird as he waited for his prey to come liming through.  Then, at 1:12 PM, it happened. “If you blinked you probably missed it,” said Jonah Tatum (21C) when asked about the following incident. Castor’s prey came flying down the hill from the B-School, past the hospital annex building, and swerved around the spike strip. Castor witnessed the finesse from the rogue limer and clicked on his sirens that were clearly macgyvered onto his bird, took two massive start up kicks into the ground, hit his gas button, and set off in tremendous pursuit.  A high-speed chase across campus then ensued and resulted in multiple Snapchat stories, students frantically jumping out of the way, and the delay of whatever construction is going on behind this blue fence. One construction worker, Steve Darling, was quoted, “We all got really scared so we decided to call it a week as this trauma was too much for us. We will be back next week to give the Emory students the vertical shrubbery they deserve.”

Castor was ultimately unable to apprehend the rogue limer as he, a law-abiding officer, did not venture in pursuit across Clifton Road while the crosswalk read STOP.  The last thing Castor saw was his suspect enter Woodruff Residential Center. “I will always remain vigilant” Castor closed.