In the midst of such a jovial season of romantic blossoms, not all love stories have happy endings, as in the case of Goizueta junior Becca Chalmers, who dealt with a major breakup February 14.
“It was so abrupt. The weekend before had been one of the best of my life,” said an impassioned, but hungover Chalmers. She had been on vacation for Mardi Gras the prior weekend.
“I mean, Brad said he loved me at least a dozen times on Sunday… It was always following a line of coke, but I could tell, staring into his over-dilated pupils, that he really meant it.” Following their return to campus, Becca and Brad didn’t happen to see each other until Tuesday night, due to the backlog of work that characteristically accompanies an early-term weekend long binge.
“I don’t remember anything from Tuesday night… But Wednesday morning I woke up and all the photos with Brad on my insta were completely gone,” cried Chalmers, displaying her bleak Instagram feed as proof. “Scrolling through my drunk texts, I figured out that two things had happened: Brad and I had broken up, and my friends, with the help of an Olympic deadlifter, had to forcibly drag me out of a Steak and Shake.”
Determined not to let her overdone “Turn Up Tuesday” stop her from having the Valentines Day she deserved, Becca channeled all knowledge of feminism to her Tumblr page GirlBoss4Lyfe: “I realized that I had to go to the romantic brunch Brad and I had planned or else, like, the patriarchy would totally win.”
Becca reported having a, “totally wonderful self care brunch, that made me feel like sooooo empowered. And then I went home… I had a lot of work.” However, the tormentous 3-hour Rise-n-Dine wait and being surrounded by overly affectionate couples took a toll on Ms. Chalmers’ mental state. Sources reported sightings of Becca ugly crying into both her A side and B side for the 2 egg breakfast combo.
Becca quickly hurried home to complete her imminent assignments because “the 😤 grind 💯don’t 👏🏾stop💪 .”
“I get back, totally ready to be productive, only to see that Brad took that bitch Tiffany to his date party.” Becca stated, throwing a dart at her picture of Tiffany on the wall, “I decided that it was gonna be a great self care night!”
Following up again with Taylor, the scene was described as Becca being “belligerently blacked out,” and later collapsing in a pool of tears while vowing to herself that, “Becca Chalmers is going to bounce back fast! Brad won’t know what he’s missing.”
At press time, Ms. Chalmers was unavailable for comment, and was said to have spiraled into what her peers believe to be a “heroin cleanse” in a futile attempt to pick up the broken shards of her life following the breakup. If any readers have seen or heard from Ms. Chalmers, please reach out the Emory Police Department, as there is currently an APB out on the young feminist icon.
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