In light of recent confusion and chaos surrounding open expression on the University’s campus, Emory Administration has released a revolutionary new policy that aims to quash potentially harmful discourse at its source: asking everyone to just shut the fuck up.
“This bipartisan policy is a testimony to Emory’s commitment to providing a safe and inclusive space for all of its students” stated a representative from Emory’s administration on the matter. “According to our data,our new policy will reduce the risk of disagreement to an outstanding 0%.” When pressed on how the policy would be enforced, she added the following:
“Well first off, I would strongly discourage you from using words like ‘enforce’ when it comes to how we will be enacting the new Open Expression policy. We much prefer vocabulary that reflects the respect and consideration that has gone into the policy, like ‘humbly request’ or ‘politely use tear gas and tasers’ instead. While we are dedicated to supporting the student body, we will be unwavering in upholding the no-tolerance nature of open expression on our campus. Like Lady Gaga said, ‘No matter gay, straight, or bi, Zionist or pro-Palestine,’ we just want you to stop talking.”
Despite the pleas of students asking to make the university a space for open dialogue, Emory administration has remained steadfast in their policy. To keep the campus quiet, they have launched new initiatives such as “Silent Studies.” Students have the option to take a nap on a personalized mat, listen to One Big Question with Greg Fenves, or play with magna tiles.
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