In an effort to production time and reduce costs, the Emory Wheel has made the decision to replace all writers with a room full of chimpanzees pounding on keyboards in the National Yerkes Primate Center.
While the change left several former Wheel reporters disgruntled, most were relieved that they weren’t the lamest kids on campus anymore. Overall, the move has fared well for the newspaper’s ratings, as readership has increased 1.5 percent.
“It was a clever strategic move,” said Dr. John Fielder, an analyst who studies media outlets in the B-school. “While the quality of the journalism has remained fairly constant, the novelty of chimpanzees has piqued students’ interest.”
The collaboration with the Yerkes Primate Center was also beneficial to the behavioral researchers, who continue to study the chimpanzees in their new environment.
“This is a unique opportunity for animal behavioral science,” said spokeswoman Elaine Wilder, “I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying that ‘If you get enough monkeys in a room on typewriters, you’ll eventually get Shakespeare.’ Well, now we finally have the chance to see if that’s the case.”
Wilder, who has been at the research center for four years now, said that this was the first time she was visibly excited about anything related to those “ugly, smelly” primates.
“I know we haven’t gotten Shakespeare yet,” Wilder added, “But the fact that the apes are performing just as well as human beings is fascinating.” In the findings report that will be published in the spring, researcher Terrance Jones has already noted that the writing competency of Wheel reporters is well below the average third-grade level, so the results may not be as ground-breaking as Wilder claims.
One drawback of the plan, says Wheel correspondent Sarah Silversmith, is that the chimps are not house-trained, so the fourth floor of the AMUC is completely covered with primate feces.
“It’s not too bad,” Silversmith told the Spoke with a halfhearted chuckle, “We’re used to swimming in shit.”
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