“Emory Wasn’t My First Choice, But I’ll Take It” – A Commentary by the Ebola Virus.

I, Ebola, like all of you freshman out there, am very excited to begin my journey in the United States at Emory University, a world-class institution with an impressive reputation. It’s not every day that a hemorrhagic fever from West Africa gets the chance to come to such a prestigious university. While I’m a little bummed about not getting to spend some time in Yale hospital’s class four containment facility, I am definitely going to seize all the opportunities Emory is giving me on my way to a hopefully long tenure in the US.

I’m already excited for my first few weeks on campus; I’m eager to deeply explore this tight-knit community, especially the close living quarters and unhygienic fraternity parties. I mean, it would have been nice to experience the large pools of standing water in places like New Haven, but Emory is great too!

From what I’ve heard, I don’t have many complaints so far. I know the professors are excellent, and the student body seems excited, intelligent and vulnerable to infection. As far as I know, the population is quite diverse, though my understanding is that all of the waterborne illnesses from the Asia-pacific tend to hang out mostly with each other. Of course, I’m sure any worries that I do have will fade once I finally sink my infectious proteins into campus for the first time!

I knew during this arduous process of infecting American citizens that no matter where I ended up, I’d still be happy. UPenn, Yale, Emory, they’re all just places where I can truly leave my mark if I work towards it and successfully ”go viral,” as it were. It’s a tough system and I know that most are disappointed by where they end up, but it’s all about rolling with the punches. It’s not like I’ll spend my entire life cycle wishing I was replacing host cell amino acids with my own at Yale instead.

I think I speak for all World Health Organization Risk Group Four pathogens out there when I say that what’s really important about college is making connections that last, well, a lifetime.

I just wish Dengue fever would stop fucking bragging about Stanford Hospital.