The overwhelming majority of Emory students admitted yearning for the good ol’ days when no one even knew who was running for SGA president. In a painless time, innocent undergraduates would simply either not vote or click on whichever name had the longest string of consonants in a row. Today’s reality leaves the undergraduates tirelessly wading through scandal after scandal.
Jason Peters (19C) noted that while he loves a good fight, he had neither the time nor the popcorn supply to pay attention to the offenses due to the less-than-optimal timing of his medical school applications and his second wave of midterms: “All I wanted was a boring candidate incompetent enough to not make any change. I just feel at home with mediocrity.”
Conflict began early in the week when Luigi Carrot’s henchmen accused Dwayne Mo of collusion with the Russian Studies department. They underhandedly turned him into the SGA po-po for bribing girls at Margaret’s Neighborhood Bar & Grill with drinks in exchange for votes, a strategy that differed from the other men offering drinks who also had intentions of “winning” but no interest in attaining votes. Mo was further accused of promising he would exchange support for the pleasurable opportunity of serving under him, which more closely reflected the payment of the other male suitors.
Mo explained that he wasn’t asking for votes. He simply wanted people to know he’s not a total dweeb: “On my social media, I did say… ‘Do you want to know why vote Dwayne is sane?’ Come by and talk to me at Maggie’s … I just wanted to tell people that I would be at Maggie’s.” Anyone whose self-perceived level of swagger directly depends on the quantity of those who know he’s at Mags is definitely a chill dude. This was not a social plea; this is indisputable fact.
Tensions continued to rise as screenshots of third SGA presidential candidate Elijah Breitfart began to circulate where he admits a general loathing for people. He expressed an especially strong aversion towards a community so accepting as to welcome even an addition symbol into its ever-expanding acronym.
The candidate prefaced his official statement with, “As a conservative republican, my name is Breitfart. Why are you calling me?” But regarding his views on gay marriage, he proclaimed, “I did not dissent to sexual relations between those women.”
After overcoming the initial obstacle of not instinctively beginning every sentence with his political alignment, Breitfart defended his past indiscretion by explaining that he was sixteen when it was written. Many did not believe his apology, but others vouched that he is a changed man by noting he referred to the community as LGBTQ+ as opposed to his previous title of “the destroyers of marriage and all that is good in lesbian porn.”
His opponents have argued that if he prefers to spend his time fighting people on Facebook, he would likely never be fit to serve in office, where Twitter is the preferred platform for such discourse.
While many students are outraged by the immoral candidacies and their publicity tactics, some still don’t give a shit. The most passionate of them ardently crave to revert back to complete indifference towards student elections.
Hayley Charleston (19 BBA) expressed confusion amid student frustration. “I don’t get the big deal. Our nation’s government has collusion and scandal, and are we so self-involved that we think we know government better than the White House?” In a world of fake news and partisan bias at every turn, Charleston could trust only her Snapchat Discover page as her sole newsource.
As SGA declared the presidency ballot invalid at 8:40 PM on March 30, Emory students collectively experienced spontaneous conniptions in anticipation of the results of the historic and controversial election.
Editor’s Note: The Emory Spoke’s Editorial Board endorsed Ms. Wh33l H8r for the 2018 elections. The Editorial Board did not have any role in the editing or composition of this article because we don’t have an Editorial Board. It literally doesn’t exist. The news team is also independent from our non-existent Editorial Board and is fake as well. We’re just a random word generator that occasionally provides timely gifs.
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