By: Geriatric Parabola
We’ve always known that college is a breeding ground for liberal indoctrination and brainwashing, and that is something I, as well as any self respecting young conservative, have needed to deal with when getting an education. In fact, the last thing Mother told me before kissing me on the lips and dropping off my “Don’t Tread On Me” posters is to never let college, or any information I learn, change who I am and what I believe in. And look at me now, 3 months into my education, and I have finally found my outlet through the Spoke, where I can ignore your ‘facts’ and ‘empathy,’ and speak my mind. And boy, do I have a lot to say.
Let’s start with what brought me to write this article. Emory has recently announced that they are testing our personal sewage for coronavirus. This is a clear breach of trust and privacy. What is in that sewage is between me and my butthole and nobody else. What comes next? Will Emory administration barge into my room and watch me as I take a bath in Raoul’s communal tub, eyes traveling down my body and lingering, just for a second, on my lips? Will they take a sample of the water, accidentally brushing my calf as they reach in? Absolutely not! The audacity of this University to treat me as a second-class citizen is astounding. I will not stand for it and neither should you.
This is just one of a long string of decisions that have been made by neo-leftists Claire Sterk and Gregory Fenves in an attempt to turn Emory into a gender-fluid equitable communist utopia. If we don’t act now, we will have NO in-person classes while there is ANY risk of death for ANY student or professor. We will have ZERO dorm halls named after slave owners. We will ABORT our lowest performing students every semester. This is why we need to come together and demand that we revert every University rule and mandate to how it was originally written when founded in 1836: when us white men were lovingly upheld, not oppressed and shamed like we are today, and not penalized by ‘Affirmative Affirmation’ or told “please don’t play devil’s advocate in our class discussion on the Holocaust.”
And to address the haters that will inevitably come for me, the reason I am so upset is NOT because of my lime-green urine or inability to take solid poops. I come from a long line of men with healthy bowels and Mother says it’s just a matter of time.
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