Emory responds to climate activists with statement “Do you know how fucking expensive solar panels are?”

The school year has just begun and Emory’s resident climate justice warriors have already started shoving their eco-activism down students’ throats. Despite the recent pleasant cool weather they are still finding new ways to bitch about “Climate Change”, from polluting our pristine walkways with cryptic and anti-Emory messages written in chalk, as well as hosting climate strikes that smell of natural deodorant, B.O., and marijauna. A big complaint from these Greta Thunberg wannabes is that Emory’s most recent climate plan was made over a decade ago “when Uggs were cool,” which is an expected comment coming from people who only wear Birkenstocks. 

These Marxist-worshipping hippies have caused quite a stir and in turn garnered the attention of the university as well as president/local dilf Fenves. Our Spoke field reporter was able to catch Fenves for a brief interview as he dumped his cigarette butts and empty bottles of Deep Eddy vodka into the Lullwater river, a common Texan waste disposal technique. When asked about how he feels about the recent climate activism he replied by saying…

“Do you know how fucking expensive solar panels are? Like god damn, what more do those ungrateful long-haired freaks want? The weather feels fine to me. I can’t believe I gave up smoking spliffs with Mcconaughey for this bullshit. I’ll probably just introduce another type of trashcan to shut em up.”

The Emory Climate Coalition is calling for the school to create an actual plan to reduce carbon emissions. This seems unlikely however, considering the school’s love for indoor AC units and general disdain for students’ interests. 

When our reporter asked President Fenves whether Emory will revise its current climate plan, he  answered by saying,

“Revise this dick”

While the school may have no intention to revise their climate plan, it’s good to know that Environmental Science majors have something else to do other than searching on Handshakes for ENVS jobs that don’t exist. There has been very little outcry from students outside of the Emory Climate Coalition on the lack of progress, but that will most likely change once sorority girls realize the temperature is too warm for the outfits they had planned for their fall photo opportunities in apple orchards and piles of leaves. On the contrary, many fraternities have already voiced their support for Emory’s disregard for climate change, as warmer year-round temperatures would allow for a never-ending jersey season.