Wednesday September 19, 2018- In an effort to bolster the notoriously small Emory University endowment, Emory Donor Day organizers have adopted new, drastic measures to increase funding from the Atlanta community. The Emory gift-planning committee has bypassed the traditional fundraising sources of corporate sponsors and aging Emory alumni, setting their sights on a new target: The Homeless Individuals of Atlanta (HIA). This elite off-the-radar organization has been sent Honorary Emory Alumni Pins, invited to a Sophomore Pinning Ceremony, and has been discretely added to the Emory Annual Giving email list.
These valuable round pieces of plastic make these individuals eligible to pay the prestigious university up to $46,314 a year for four years, to receive a relentless barrage of spam emails, and an occasional free donut at a campus-sponsored Wonderful Wednesday. When asked for comment on the new fundraising initiative, a local HIA representative Steve, added: “What the f*** do they want from us. I’m getting spam email notifications so consistently you could use my phone as a vibrator.” Deborah from the Annual Giving office keeps ‘popping by’ to see how much more money I could donate and I live in f****** Marietta. How does she get here so fast?”
Upon further investigation, it appears that Deborah from Annual Giving has recently purchased the Tesla model X, thus explaining her rapid travel time. As to how she acquired the funds to make this purchase, Steve is unaware. “Of course I didn’t give her any money. I live in a literal cardboard box.”
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