Earlier today, Emory’s emergency notification system sent students a warning message that there is a strong probability their existence is meaningless. Images of Edvard Munch’s The Scream and a Mandala sand painting were posted on the Emory Office of Critical Event Preparedness and Response (CEPAR) webpage, along with the following statement:
We urge students to be alert and to check the homepage for the most recent and updated information regarding the impermanence of existence and its effect on the campus. Each month the system will automatically test the system, sending out reminders that life is without objective value or purpose. An alert will also be sent in the case of inclement weather, which like life, is transitory, so just deal with it.
The Emory Alert system allows students to receive alerts via email, automated phone call, or text messages by signing up for their preferred option on the Emory Alert homepage hyperlink titled Seriously, What’s the Point?
According to Patton Scina, a sophomore, “I came to Emory to develop my ability to think and hopefully have a positive impact on the world around me, now and in the future. But the alert from Emory helped me realize that the world around me lacks comprehensible meaning and objective truth, so I might as well just say fuck it, and take up beer pong, that is, if beer pong isn’t just another absurd construct of my mind.”
Another student, senior Tina Denver, found the Emory Alert an important reminder to “focus on what is really important.” Said Denver, “Maybe I can learn to make the most of each moment, like going to the night club Opera instead of Maggie’s. Also, I was planning to go out with a nerdy guy from philosophy club but now that I realize that all form is empty, I might as well hold out for someone more shallow, but hotter.”
Unnamed sources indicate that the Emory Alert sirens may be activated during future campus events to remind students that ultimately, they are alone and isolated.
Said the source, “We’ll probably turn on the sirens during festive events such as the Ultimate Frisbee Invitational, Swoop’s Week, the next Tracy Morgan performance, and graduation. Or maybe just before students leave for spring break, you know, when everyone is feeling really happy. They will be a nice accompaniment to all of the Anton Chekhov and Friedrich Nietzsche quotes we’ll also be sending at those times.”
At press time, the Emory Alert system was warning students of another sunny, cancerous day draining the vitality of their youth.
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