Drunk SAE Brother Defecates on Lion Statue; “I thought it was a new member”

This Friday morning, the brothers of Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity woke up to an unpleasant surprise. The lion statue standing proudly in front of their house had been defiled. Upon further investigation, it has been discovered that an anonymous member of SAE was the culprit. “Yeah, bro. I was hammered and hazing the ple–er–new members, and then I saw this one guy lying on the ground, so I shat on him. I thought it was a new member, but I guess it was the statue.” 

Other members of the fraternity are horrified and have been expressing their grief through vigils aimed at redeeming the statue’s dignity. The shitty lion is now surrounded by bottles of clorox, scattered across the SAE lawn like flowers on the grave of AEPi. But, despite the abundance of cleaning products, nobody has actually bothered to clean it. Emory’s Janitorial staff has attempted to clean the statue, but has been repeatedly warded off by SAE brothers. “It’s our statue, so we have to clean it,” says brother Jack Goff. “They’re just going to make it worse. Only we can make the lion mean something again.”

The IFC is concerned, and has repeatedly attempted to complete a walkthrough of the SAE house in order to assess other locations in which brothers may have defecated. However, members of the fraternity have barricaded anyone from entering the premises. “This is a time of mourning,” insists an anonymous SAE representative. “How do you expect us to clean it if you keep getting in our way? Not that there’s anything to clean. We don’t haze”

After the incident, several of SAE’s new members have come out insisting that defecation was never a part of the initiation process. “I swear I’ve never been shat on,” says new member Ben Dover. “It was just the statue. These are my bros forever.”