Dooley’s Week: Beloved Emory Tradition or Pagan Ritual?

Now I’m sure everyone knows that Dooley’s Week has begun. Every year, Emory’s Student Programming Council goes to great lengths to shove their posters and paraphernalia down our throats every chance they get.  But this year, as I was getting virtually berated for a week-long event that I truly couldn’t care less about, I found myself disturbed. Thanks to the Spoke’s deep investigating, I found myself realizing that Dooley’s Week has a terribly perverse and demonic side to it. 

Has anyone ever questioned who Dooley really is? A walking skeleton, a vision of living death on Earth. From the mere image of Dooley, one can see that he is an affront to not only the teachings of Christianity but also to Jesus Christ himself, our lord and savior who conquered death. Dooley shouldn’t exist, his soul should have moved on, but here Dooley is: parading around campus, causing chaos, and being celebrated for an entire week. A week beginning the day after the celebration of Christ’s resurrection no less! From this, it is clear that Dooley is a Pagan god sustained by the vicious festivities of SPC. 

These festivities are full of vile themes and subliminal messaging disguised by some tacky theme. A 2000’s Television theme may seem innocent enough given that our TV screens at the beginning of the century were filled with Spongebob and Scooby Doo, but our screens were also defiled by head lesbian, Ellen Degeneres! Dooley clearly has a homosexual agenda. A fact that was cemented when I saw that SPC posted on Instagram last summer, commemorating Pride Month. Disgusting. Now this isn’t the only instance of Dooley’s week including anti-Christian behaviors. SPC is bringing Tarot Card Readers to campus: an actual form of witchcraft coupled with mixology which encourages imbibing and engaging in sinful pleasures. All of this watered down with churros, mini-golf, and funnel cake. Don’t be fooled, Dooley clearly wants to lead the student body astray from the original Methodist mission of Emory University, in just another attempt by liberal college students to taint the word of God. 

I’m sure that the girls and gays of SPC don’t see any danger in blindly serving this demon on our campus. I’m sure that their cult brings them a false sense of love and belonging, but what is this yearly ritual leading up to? A blood sacrifice of Swoop? More satanist democrats visiting campus? Or worse, the members of SPC obtaining immortality?! I say enough! We need to abolish Dooley’s Week, our faux mascot, and maybe even SPC before the souls of the Emory Campus (they can have Oxford’s though) are harvested by this gender-bending skeleton that prances along our sidewalks. Don’t take it from me, take it from the SPC themselves. They make their intentions very clear on their website: “We Do Dooley’s Dirty Work.”