During Dooley’s week, Emory’s superior mascot seemed to be capable of shape shifting from day to day, leading many students to believe that Dooley is multiple students. Meanwhile, Sophomore Melanie Jefferson has a different take on this matter. As an avid pothead with one semester of anthropology under her belt, she is more than qualified to be a History Channel certified conspiracy theorist: “Everyone keeps saying Dooley is a bunch of different people… BUT… what if… Dooley is ONE person… and by person, I mean alien.”
“There are a lot of circles on campus, but the two I want to point out are Asbury and The Wheel. The Wheel is notoriously known for its exquisite, high quality news reports that have the incredible ability to say nothing meaningful and are quite CIRCULAR, if you will, in nature. This led me to look at Asbury and the Dooley statue. Dooley’s outstretched hat is pointing towards the Asbury Circle, which connects to the road that leads to the statue of Woodruff at the library. Woodruff then just so happens to be looking in the direction of Dooley, as long as your definition of “direction” gives the benefit of the doubt to the paranormal. Can’t you see? Asbury CIRCLE is connected in a VISUAL CIRCLE between Woodruff and Dooley.”
Following this train of thought, Jefferson took it upon herself to investigate the library. She claimed that the Rose library is actually an abbreviation for Rosicrucians, or as Melanie more eloquently put it, “wacky wild spooky shit.”
Jefferson continues, “And what just so happens to be underneath the Rosicrucian library but the mysterious ninth floor? A ninth floor from which, if you look out the westward window, you see that Cosco full of Egyptian mummies right next to the library. And yet again, the plot thickens…
Consider as well the secret tunnel system underneath Emory’s campus. The library begins to look a lot like the central pyre within the Pyramid of Giza!” Following this epiphany, Jefferson mumbles triumphantly, “Coinkle dunce? Methinks not.”
Jefferson has already taken action into her own hands. Last week, she brought her microwave into the library and waved it around Lion King-style in an attempt to prove that the library was actually a giant microwave, just like Egyptian pyramids. Unfortunately, she was unable to complete her research. Students complained of a nauseating scent following her through the stacks, and for this reason, security was called to escort her out of the building. As she was walking back to her dorm, she passed Goizueta and was particularly drawn to the grassy staircase leading down to a concrete platform.
“I felt it in my bones. The courtyard is the perfect spaceship landing pad. Goizueta: soulless, and overdressed–I mean all the signs point to Dooley being a b-school student, or I should say, an extraterrestrial life form disguising as a Goldman Sachs groupie” Jefferson concluded emphatically, determined to find out exactly “which walking garbage bag had dared to fuck with my homeskillet, Dooley.”
At press time, Melanie’s number one suspect had just accepted a summer internship at Pepsi.
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