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Dooley to host the 2019 Oscars

After the struggle to find a non-controversial host for the 91st Academy Awards, there was only one who didn’t have any skeletons hiding in her closet— because she was one. Lady Dooley is practically gender fluid, has no race, and already has a top hat and cape ready for the job. Everyone looks like Dooley on the inside, so the objectifying comments women hosts normally receive should be avoided. Additionally, Dooley and the Academy agree that this will be great for the growing film industry in Atlanta, as they hope that her Southern roots will appeal to the more conservative audience they have been slowly losing. Another plus: Dooley does not have eyes, so there is no way she would read the wrong name when announcing an award winner.

Of course, Dooley was honored and accepted the offer with a toothy grin, saying “time’s up” for excluding the undead from award shows when “half of the movies are about [them] anyway.” When asked who she was most excited to meet, she responded that ever since SPC brought his film to campus, she’s been anxious to see “what kind of bone Ryan Gosling” may have for her, as she too was at First Man.

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