After the DUC-ling announced it would be removing the Baby Jesuses from this year’s Mardi Gras king cakes, all four members of the Emory College Republicans announced a protest against their removal.
“Emory can use all the politically correct language they want,” said College Republicans president Jackson Kelly. “But we all know that terms like ‘choking hazard’ and ‘legitimately dangerous,’ are the administration’s excuse to further harm the most oppressed group in Georgia: White, conservative Christians.”
DUC-ling general manager Tom Pearson disagreed with the College Republicans statement. “Like, two people died last year from choking on the Baby Jesuses,” Pearson said. “I’m honestly surprised no one has heard about it, but I think they were Oxford kids so I guess that makes sense.”
Kelly, however, was not satisfied with Pearson’s explanation. Kelly still felt that this policy was a form of religious discrimination, and threatened campus with the wrath of the entire College Republicans membership.
“If I’m not allowed to choke on a plastic cutout of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on Mardi Gras, then I will have no choice but to recruit my three weird freshman friends, I mean, the other College Republicans, and show Emory that we mean business.”
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