On Saturday September 14th at 12:55 PM, an email from the DeKalb County Department of Watershed Management made a press release stating that heavy thunderstorms Friday night led to a power outage at Scott Candler Water Treatment Plant. The power outage lasted approximately 4 hours which led to water not being properly filtered. Sources have brought to light the falseness of this statement. Reliable sources tell The Spoke that the real culprits were none other than Emory University President, Claire Sterk and Emory College of Arts and Sciences Dean, Michael Elliott.
The two contaminated the water supply with long expired DCT milk. The motives behind this heinous and life threatening act are quite clear: Sterk’s multi-year long personal vendetta against Emory Greek life. Her motives then took a devious turn. Her attempt to disrupt the water supply fell conveniently during a time during which all of Greek life would be needing some refreshing H2O after a BENDER of a weekend. With the recent lifting of the social freeze Sterk logically assumed that most Greeks would pop off this weekend.
She was right, the entire row engaged in activities that would require water at various points during the weekend. Sterk and Elliott have since been apprehended and sentenced to 4 Creating Emory sessions. When asked to make a statement regarding her actions, Sterk said, “I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling Spokies! #Forever21.”
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