Emory University CAPS recently announced that this spring they will begin providing therapists exclusively for male university students. For those of you with reservations about a progressive, man-hating psychiatrist telling you how to live your life, have no fear. CAPS has ensured that all therapists will exist solely to validate your manliness. The Spoke got exclusive access to some of the responses that therapists have been suggested to use in sessions, including, but not limited to:
- Your mom is totally the root of all your issues. She sounds like a total bitch. Your emotionally unavailable alcoholic father definitely has nothing to do with your fear of intimacy.
- Just because you have dreams about having sex with your frat brothers doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you’re like…a really committed brother.
- Don’t pay attention to the distant looks in your classmates’ eyes as you explain recent market trends for five straight minutes. They’re definitely not bored, they’re just too stupid to understand.
- That girl is a fucking psycho for getting mad at you for hooking up with her best friend last night. It’s not like you were dating. Oh, you’ve been dating for six months? Okay, she’s still delusional for getting so mad, it’s not like you hooked up with her friend in front of her face. Oh, you did it directly in front of her? Well she definitely deserved it. You did nothing wrong.
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