The Emory University student body erupted into celebration on Friday after a candidate for a student government position pledged to increase the amount of school spirit on campus.
The pledge, which was presented as a bullet point on the candidate’s campaign Facebook page, instantly connected with voters on a deeply emotional level.
“This is the change that we’ve been waiting for,” said college junior Jake Puleo, his mouth quivering as joyous tears streamed down his face. “I’ve waited three long years for someone to finally take charge and foster some school spirit.”
Many students hail the candidate as a game-changer, someone who could finally break through the ideological polarization in student government and bring about some real change. The candidate has also taken a hard-line stance on several other controversial issues, such as increasing student government transparency and encouraging meaningful discussion on campus.
“I’m just so glad that there’s someone on the ballot with the determination to stand up for what’s right and to tackle the tough issues,” said sophomore Peggy Xu.
At a recent debate held by the Emory Wheel, the candidate reportedly dominated the competition with both charisma and intelligence. Before the candidate was even halfway finished speaking, the competition had already exited the building and contacted their respective parents and legal guardians about transferring schools.
“It was an absolute massacre,” said Goizueta senior Brian Levy, “Nobody even compares in their ability to foster school spirit.”
“Even if we had a Division I football team whose players were all raised by eagles – they wouldn’t be able to compete with [the candidate],” he continued. “One word: Legend.”
At the conclusion of the speech, hundreds of euphoric students leapt up from their seats and ran up to the stage to embrace the candidate. Later, campus police officers were called for crowd control purposes after throngs of students congregated in Asbury Circle to chant the candidate’s name and wave banners. The celebration lasted until dawn.
“[The candidate] changed my life,” said college freshman Michael Reyes, “I see the world with new eyes – and everything is gold and blue.”
A student working for the candidate’s campaign revealed yesterday that the candidate was already fielding calls from a number of Super PACs who have targeted the candidate as a sure bet to unseat the current governor of Georgia, Nathan Deal, in 2014 when Deal is up for re-election.
hah!