Breaking: Student Government Shuts Down

Emory’s Student Government Association shutdown at 12:01am EST on Wednesday after class representatives could not pass a budget due to a battle over funding for Pawsitive Outreach, a student organization notorious for connecting students with cute animals.

Conservative representatives insisted that the budget for the upcoming semester should cut excessive funding for Pawsitive Outreach, which they consider “a flagrant waste of tuition dollars and a fundamental harm to students’ liberties.” President Raj Patel and the liberal contingent did not want to budge on funding key provisions for Pawsitive Outreach, including tennis ball supply replenishment and the controversial “Puppy Dog Tuesday” event.

The SGA shutdown has shocked the university to its very core, and all of the non-essential SGA employees have been furloughed indefinitely. Non-essential employees, who include hall representatives, the King of Pops guy, and Oxford shuttle drivers, will remain unemployed until the SGA can pass a budget. Essential services such as Dooley’s guard, student activities fee collections, and the flat screen televisions in all new freshman dorms, will continue running.

Patel has urged furloughed employees to remain patient.

“We know that the upcoming days will be difficult for you, your families, and that adowable, widdle golden retriever puppy,” Patel said at an emergency press conference, “but if we all stand together, we will return better than ever when the SGA reconvenes in early December.”

Students are already feeling the effects of the shutdown, with some expressing worry over what a shutdown means for the university.

“I’m worried about those [who are] furloughed and all,” sophomore Alex Hoffman said, “but more importantly, what does this mean for our U.S. News Ranking?”

At press time SGA representatives had ceased the tense negotiations, and were seen playing a rousing game of frisbee on the quad as furloughed employees looked on.