This afternoon, SGA presidential candidate Aaron Althusser called a press conference to address the allegations of embezzlement of campaign funds for a Model U.N. mixer. The conference comes after eyewitness accounts and retrieved emails confirmed that the Althusser campaign held a business birthday luncheon, and purchased various illicit items using embezzled funds, including reports of Everclear, strippers, and a pack of Trident gum.
“My fellow Emorians,” Althusser said, “I would first like to say that these allegations are, well, alleged. Yeah.”
“Very, very alleged,” he added. “I’m just going to address the elephant in the room right now, Obamacare needs to be stopped, and I’m the man for the job. Let’s not forget about that whole SGA transparency thing I’ve been mentioning either. That’s what this is really all about.”
Althusser apologized for getting tangled up in such a heated scandal, and promises that he will deliver on each and every of his campaign promises, especially fracking on the Oxford campus and the total repeal of the Affordable Care Act.
Appearing at the conference were the libertarian think-tank Emory Young Americans for Liberty, the Emory Badminton Club, and the Dutch Shell Oil Corporation, entities accused of donating money to his presidential campaign.
“There’s nothing wrong with turning a profit by any means necessary and spending it all on vices and bouncy castles,” Executive of Emory Young Americans for Liberty, Max Mannheim said. “All of these accusations are violations of our freedom.”
“This was all a huge misunderstanding, we didn’t endorse any candidate,” a spokeswoman from the Emory Badminton Club said. “We’ve just been laundering drug money this whole time.
“No harm, no foul,” she continued.
Ben van Beurden, CEO of Royal Dutch Shell, denied reports that his organization had violated election procedures by donating billions to the Althusser campaign, disavowing any connection between the Althusser campaign and Royal Dutch Shell’s future fracking project on Emory’s Oxford campus.
“The students of Oxford College have been pleading for years for someone to come and harness the abundant natural gas buried beneath their campus.”
At the conclusion of the press conference, Althusser rested the blame on the SGA election bylaws, which he described as nebulous and confusing.
“How can any candidate know for sure that embezzlement is grounds for disqualification?” Althusser said.
At press time, Althusser’s election chances have risen 32.6 percent, according to non-partisan polling organization UPA (United Pollsters for Althusser).
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