ATTENTION: THIS MATTER OF PUBLIC HEALTH IS BROUGHT TO YOU ON BEHALF OF THE EMORY OFFICE OF HEALTH PROMOTION
Early this morning, the Emory Office of Health Promotion (OHP) released a report recalling all “Free Condoms” distributed within the last three weeks.
The office became aware of the issue after receiving several complaints “in regard to leakage.”
The OHP claims that they received a shipment of over 30,000 condoms had been “hastily manufactured” and “made with a less durable materials” to accommodate the Valentine’s Day surge in demand. Further investigation is needed before any liability claims can be made.
“We are doing everything we can to rectify the situation,” spokeswoman Nancy Fillmore said in a public statement, “but we advise anyone who has recently been sexually active to consult a healthcare provider as soon as possible.”
A line of anxious students, some of whom were still dressed in their scanty, erotic outfits from last night’s sexcapades, has already formed outside Student Health Services, awaiting testing.
Jeffrey Clemens, who was with his girlfriend, told the Spoke, “Our relationship was a little shaky over the past few months, but this recall could mean she has no choice but to marry me.” Clemens waited with his fingers crossed, hoping for “positive” results.
Another student, Allison Wilkens, bragged that this was “like her fourth pregnancy scare,” and that she was “totally not worried right now.”
In unrelated news, The Spoke would like to remind you that STDs are not covered under the University-sponsored health insurance plan.
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