As the United States Marine Corps Recruiting Command surveyed the crowd of young, ambitious Emory students walking through Asbury Circle on Wonderful Wednesday, they were shocked to see only the tops of heads! Sergeant Towering reported that he felt “disappointed” seeing what Emory had to offer: “Never in my career have I seen such short men and women. I was flabbergasted.”
The recruiters stood next to a pull-up bar and several promotional signs, which included a “height-stick” stating that no person under 5’8” would be permitted to join. Despite the long line of over 100 students hoping to try their luck in the military, none met the requirement.
Paul Peasly, a junior majoring in Philosophy, expressed his discontent with the height requirement: “I’m a Philosophy major, so obviously I have to look into the military. What else am I going to do after graduation?” Peasly refused to comment further.
Samuel McDonald, a sophomore in the B School, claimed that the height-stick was wrong: “I know I’m 5’10.” Look at my driver’s license.” He stuck his ID out to the recruiters, who correctly assumed that it was a fake, since McDonald was obviously not 24 years old.
“Even if it is, 5’8” is a perfectly respectable height. I get plenty of girls who are happy with 5’8”,” McDonald claimed.
After an hour of turning students away, Sgt. Towering decided to temporarily waive the height requirement, stating that he’d “deal with it later.” He allowed the line of students to try their luck at the pull-up bar, and was again disappointed when not a single one could achieve a pull-up.
“I mean, all of your sports are D3. I don’t really know what we expected when we came here,” Sgt. Towering said, “I don’t think we’ll be back.” The recruiters left without so much as a backwards glance, their blank sign-up sheet in hand. Sources say that they plan on visiting Georgia Tech next, but are not optimistic.
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