Breaking: Emory secures Fenves, can’t get McConaughey in trade with UT Austin

After being in extensive talks with many prospects during the offseason, Emory University obtained Gregory Fenves from UT Austin in a blockbuster deal. Fenves, who served as president in Texas for the last five years, will begin his work at Emory on August 1st. He is known for raising the UT graduation rate to an unprecedented 69(nice).8%. Does this sound a little low? Yes, Texas clearly knows how to pick ‘em. 

Fenves was picked by Emory not for his academic accomplishments, but rather because he is a cowboy hat wearing, grey headed, certified Daddy who isn’t afraid to flaunt his perfectly crafted bare feet. However, Fenves wasn’t the only Longhorn involved in the heated trade discussions. UT Austin’s Matthew McConaughey, who is objectively much hotter than Fenves, entertained the idea of leaving his role as a film professor at Texas to come to the decrepit Film Department at Emory. McConaughey drew Emory’s attention because his beautiful, tan skin looks better in orange than Fenves in addition to the well known fact that moaning “Matthew” is much sexier than “Gregory” during sex. 

A spokesperson from the Presidential Selection Committee at Emory commented on the disappointing results of the trade deal. “While we are thrilled at getting Fenves and his gorgeous toes, we really hoped that if we were going to get an old, southern white man in a cowboy hat it was going to be McConaughey.” It is clear by these comparison pictures that Emory University had a very specific need to fill, a need that McConaughey is much more suited for. It is fair to say that Emory is settling. 

However, just because we won’t see McConaughey Lexus rolling around campus, doesn’t mean the trade wasn’t a good one. Fenves will be a refreshing change of pace compared to Claire Sterk, the overspending former president who also wears orange in order to promote her hidden Netherlands agenda. Sterk remains a free agent where she is expected to fade into irrelevance before accepting a vice-president position at a junior college somewhere in Tornado Alley.