Kids who didn’t get enough attention from their parents growing up have been reeling this week, as accusations arose of fraudulence and code violations in the Emory SGA elections. One candidate for SGA president has accused several other candidates for elected positions (that I am fairly certain are made up) of illegally supporting other candidates for President.
This is the most inflammatory response to election results I have ever seen, and I was literally in the Capitol on January 6th.
Instagram comment sections from Oxford to Atlanta have erupted with finger pointing and name calling, but these accusations fail to consider the real culprit and the only mind on Emory’s campus capable of pulling off such an intricate stunt.
But who has the political expertise to craft such a coup? Who’s extracurricular activities have allowed them to meet both Jesus and Buddah? Who has the most artfully created website and YouTube channel of any professor this side of the space-time continuum?
That’s right. Dr. Bourtney Crown.
Dr. Crown’s background in politics, media, and modeling give him the perfect understanding of the intricacies of college politics, but it is his ability to read and control human minds that has allowed him to orchestrate such a precise attack on Emory Democracy.
Dr. Crown has both the motive and means to bring the electoral system at Emory to its knees. He wielded his powers over the minds of the accused students, convincing them to illegally endorse candidates in the SGA elections. This diabolical plan to ignore the archaic language of college student government worked, and these vulnerable Goizuetta pawns brazenly reposted Instagram his graphics, with no regard for the consequences.
His voter intimidation efforts were also widely successful, as he was able to infiltrate student’s dreams and convince them not to vote for candidates that he opposed by simply appearing and speaking to them.
In the aftermath of this horrific display of fraud, the only logical solution is to disband the Emory SGA. You can’t have fraud if there is no institution in which that fraud can occur. And while we’re at it SPC, too. Maybe even sports. Burn the whole damn thing to the ground and start from scratch. Nothing like some good old fashioned mid-pandemic anarchy to cleanse the palette and dissuade all-knowing professors from controlling student’s minds.
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