We’ve all seen the TikTok trend of the adorable 13-year-old pug, Noodle, and his owner’s daily test of whether or not he wakes up with “bones” and is able to stand upright. If you haven’t, here’s a short explanation: if this geriatric but lovable little pug can stand after his owner balances him on his feet, it’s a “bones day”, a harbinger of good news and the forecast of a good day all around. If Noodle flops back down onto his plush dog bed, it’s time to throw on a hoodie, get ready for pop quizzes in two of your hardest classes, and receive news that your crush just asked someone else to their date party.
Emory students have, however, taken it one step further. We’ve all noticed that Dooley, our own bones-based mascot, is getting a little old: first brought onto campus in 1899, the faithful skeleton has served our university as the Lord of Misrule for more than a century. With each passing decade, however, Dooley has confided in some close friends on the Spoke that he is no longer able to “get it up” like he used to.
Some recent performance issues have left our Lord understandably insecure, but on the rare occasion that his bone-based boner rises to full mast, it is to be a glorious day of gallivanting around the freshman dorms and raw dogging chicks like Jack Harlow left and right.
Students have also taken his performance levels as a harbinger of good news. As the regal statue of Dooley is, fortunately for these students, completely naked and near to many campus breakfast locations, a crowd has started to gather in the early mornings to predict the outcome of their day.
The Spoke overheard some student testimonials of the daily ritual:
“It’s a no-bone day, which means my roommate is going to call her mom for three hours again. How many times can she talk about that dinky white dog with eye boogers?
“There’s nothing like some delightful dooley dick to turn “Monday Blues” into “Monday Rules!”
“Dooley’s massive morning wood standing proudly makes me confident that I can finally ask my girlfriend to put a bridle on me and ride me like a horse.”
This promiscuous trend has marked a surge of hope and community among undergraduates, as the daily gathering around Dooley’s schlong to predict the outcome of the day has brought friends, lovers, and even faculty together. President Fenves was overheard whispering to his beloved Carmel: “Every time Dooley pops that raging boner, I get so fucking horn- I mean hopeful for the day ahead.” It proves that what started as a silly trend will last for a long, hard, and throbbing impact on the morale of Emory’s student body – though Dooley might need the help of some Viagra.
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