Blue Donkey Under Investigation After Stacks Bathroom Overflow

Editor’s Note: The Spoke elected to make a personnel change on this article, but we made the stylistic choice to keep the first paragraph because it explains a lot and we value suspense.

On February 20th, an eighth floor stacks bathroom overflow soiled thousands of texts and ruined tens of “intense study sessions.” Thank goodness no one reads those stupid books, that is, except for my ex-girlfriend Sandra. This reporter believes that it’s probably from all those Blue Donkey coffees; they really make you need to take a dump. After Sandra drank her size large Summer Almond with an extra shot, she’d really stink the place up.

Unfortunately, that reporter has been taken off of this article for a “conflict of interest” and because he was “getting a little intense” and “Jesus, Daniel, we’re really worried about the camera thing.” 

The Spoke staff just so happened to have access to a camera that was placed in the Stacks by one of our members who will remain unnamed. According to his notes though, he’s watched hours of footage of the eighth floor and counted “a number” of blue donkey coffee cups tossed into the garbage. 

We’ve since confiscated the camera, which we plan to hand over to his assigned CAPS counselor once he gets an appointment in 4–6 years. In the meantime, we discovered that while there were in fact a number of Blue Donkeys to be drunk in the stacks, the overflow was probably from the cake reading “Sandra take me back” that you-know-who brought into the gendy neutch bathroom. 

It’s fair to assume that he shoved it down the toilet. It looks like he had put the cake on Sandra’s desk, seen her coming, panicked, and brought the cake into the bathroom to hide. The bathroom overflowed 8 minutes later. 

So he tried to get her back, (I heard that he was violating a restraining order but you didn’t hear that from me) but when the plan went awry he tried to pin the overflow on her massive dumps??? Not the way to win a girl back, man. Also, if I were you, I wouldn’t publish her coffee order. I know this article doesn’t paint Sandra in a great light, but if some guy finds GI issues hot then he knows exactly what sweet, stank-inducing treat to surprise her with now.