Don’t have a date this Valentine’s Day? No worries, the Emory Spoke has your back. Just read these three new articles in your bedroom alone. When your roommates hear you laughing through the walls, they’ll think you’re getting busy! What’s not to love?
New Money-Saving Initiative Restricts Free Condoms to “7s or Above”
As a result of some unfortunate financial decisions involving the entire 11 billion dollar endowment and a misguided bet on a horse named President Texas, Emory officials have been forced to tighten their belts and look for some creative budgeting solutions. One of the more controversial decisions has been to limit the use of free condoms in the Woodruff Library to “7s or above.”
In an email sent to the student body from the administration this week, it was explained that this budget cut, while unfortunate, is really just a formality as the “uggos and DUFFs” weren’t having any sex anyway. This is simply a way of preventing losers from trying to grab handfuls of rubbers in an attempt to seem cool. “And besides, there’s always hand stuff,” the message concluded.
The Spoke reached out to Abe Stinance of the Budget Planning and Analytics office to get some answers on just how these scores were calculated. “Basically,” he said, “we all got together, cracked a few beers, and went through everyone’s EmoryCard profile pictures, The Social Network-style. Now each student’s rating is programmed onto their card, so all you’ve got to do is swipe your card at the new condom lockboxes and if you’re at least a 7/10, they’ll open right up. Go ham. You may also access your score on OPUS.”
Physical attractiveness is not the only factor taken into account. Certain clubs and organizations can affect your score. For example, being a part of SGA or any a cappella group sets an automatic cap on your attractiveness at four, with no possibility of improvement. Members of The Spoke, on the other hand, all receive at least a nine.
Even if you don’t have any on-campus involvements, you can still appeal your score with what officials are calling a “Hotness Resume.” These resumes can include additional photos proving that you no longer have a side part, skills that make you hotter (i.e. playing an instrument – excluding the ukulele – or the ability to have a single conversation without mentioning how you almost got into UPenn), and even references from friends confirming that you don’t have a weird smell or anything.
“These scores are entirely based on merit and how juicy and kissable your lips are,” said President Fenves, the only community member with a score of eleven. “There is no feasible way to con the system through power, connections, or threats to bury someone under the Lullwater Mansion.”
Some students, though, feel differently. “We shouldn’t be defined by these numbers!” said one student [6.5, 25C]. “This is just an extremely poorly thought-out system. Don’t they care about their students having unwanted pregnancies and STIs?” Administration officials simply responded, “Only for the dreamboats and the hotties,” then did a complicated handshake we can only assume was created out of best-friendship.
In the end, it was all worth it for the 40 dollars saved, which we have been assured will be doubled as soon as President Texas gets his groove back.
5 Animated Hotties We Would Love to Kiss
1 – The Dad(dy) from Inside Out
DILF ALERT! This unnamed hunk dominated our minds during our middle school years — good thing he’s coming right back to the big screen in 2024’s sequel! He’s welcome to turn us inside out any day.
2 – Vanessa Doofenshmirtz
Disney channel’s writers were too cowardly to give this leather-wearing queen the sapphic romance she deserved, but we’ll always hold her close in our hearts. She’s got daddy’s evil blood and she’s dripping from head to toe in swagger. She’s got us dripping, too.
3 – The Green M&M
Enough said. The sexiest piece of anthropomorphized candy to ever hit our television screens. Watch out parents — razor blades are out and horny, sentient candies are in. You might want to look through your kid’s candy bag this year.
4 – Shadow the Hedgehog
Hear us out — you don’t have to be a furry to be into this bad boy heartthrob. He would gaslight you endlessly but his dirty talk would be so seductive that it’d give you Stockholm syndrome in the sex dungeon he most definitely has.
5 – The Iron Giant
OK, Ok, but think about it. Do you know what else would be giant? He would take such good care of whoever was lucky enough to fit in that sexy metal palm of his: we know you’ve never felt that kind of intimacy before, especially considering your awful childhood. Robots can feel pleasure too!
Honorable Mentions: Princess Jasmine, Raven from Teen Titans, Danny Phantom, and Flynn Rider.
DCT Sex Talk: How to Fire & Spice Up Your Sex Life
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, the Spoke wanted to offer everyone a way to spice up your sex lives in time to celebrate with that boy from Kap Sig whose name you just learned. What better way to get in the spirit for Valentine’s Day than to think of the place that holds the biggest place in all of our hearts: the Dobbs Common Table. So today, we offer you a way to bring the DCT into the bedroom and have the threesome of your dreams. Enjoy this list of the top seven phrases to get hot and heavy with using some inspiration from the finest dining hall available:
- Give me some more of that pesto mayo.
A little goes a long way.
- Eat my tofu scramble.
Just take a little lick.
- The bread pudding is creamier than usual.
I don’t mind, I’ll take another scoop.
- Get your batter going so we can make some waffles.
It’s great for me, it only takes two minutes and thirty seconds.
- You better have some butter for these rolls.
It’s all good, this tub right here is as hard as a rock.
- Your vanilla ice cream machine better work today.
Don’t worry, I always check to make sure.
- Should we go Stem to Root?
I don’t know, it smells a little funky today.
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