A Response from Mr. Dover’s Lawyer

Mr. Loo,

In response to your article “Student shit’s on dooley statue,” you are correct that my client, Ben Dover, was arrested by the Emory University Police Department for defecating on the statue. While you took the time to recite many of the allegations contained in the police report, you failed to mention the heroic actions that Ben took, as he was arrested after calling 911 to seek medical assistance for another Emory Student due in danger to a potential overdose. This other student who failed to remove his pants before joining Ben in a duet of poo (a “pooet,” if you will). You also failed to mention that because Ben called 911 for medical assistance, he is entitled to the protections under Emory’s medical amnesty policy and he is immune from criminal prosecution for the public poo-pooing and any exotic species that were allegedly in his possession.

As to medical amnesty, even though public pooping and the possession of an exotic animal violates the Undergraduate Code of Conduct, Ben has been informed that he will not face any formal conduct action by the Office of Student Conduct as long as he complies with the requirements to cease and desist shitting in public forums. This makes sense since the medical amnesty policy exists to “ensure and protect the health and well-being of any undergraduate students.” The amnesty policy not only protects students like Ben to poop publicly “without worry of facing a potential conduct process for themselves.” It actually creates a duty upon them to act.

As to Ben’s arrest, since 2014, absolute lionhearted moral champions like Ben who make the call to protect others in need of medical assistance due to a possible mid-feces overdose are protected from arrest and prosecution under OCGA P00-90-0. While Emory’s Police Department ignored the law and arrested Ben, the purpose of OCGA P00-90-0 is to protect stercus quae excrituri.

The story here is not that Ben allegedly soiled the Dooley statue with a dunghill, or that he was allegedly in possession of dozens of near-extinct species. Without mentioning Emory’s medical amnesty policy and Georgia’s immunity statute, your article was woefully incomplete. And, by outing Ben in the Spoke, you discourage other scat shooting students from seeking medical assistance for those who need help.

In the future. I hope that you will responsibly cover the grave decisions faced by students like Ben, who hope to help others without falling victim to disciplinary actions, arrest, and publication of their butthole in the REAL school newspaper. But I doubt you will, since you refused to publish this letter laying out the reasons why Emory and the State of Georgia don’t punish those who report mid-excreta overdoses. Instead, I had to buy this ad to bring it to your reader’s attention.

James A Dung

Libs Bathroom LLC

Emory University College, nineteen ninety poo

Waste management school of Law, 1995