As we all know, Emory’s campus premeds are some of the most humble and uncomplaining community members, suffering in silence through their self-inflicted biology and organic chemistry classes. Unbeknownst to most of the student population, however, the premeds, in an attempt to spend even more time in the Reading Room, have resorted to extreme measures: diapers.
As stated by one enthusiastic premed: “We got the idea from pro bikers and marathon runners, because we’re working just as hard.” The premed claimed that, since going on the “diaper trend,” her chemistry grade has gone up one entire point. That could be the difference between Harvard Medical School and being a lowly technician in Daddy’s lab. The diapers have given this premed an additional 20 minutes per day that she would have spent using the bathroom, within which time she can now watch four days of lectures at 4x speed. When asked about the Diaper Experience, the premed stated, unfazed, “I’m only itchy sometimes, but I’m basically a doctor, so I say it’s nothing to worry about.”
In an effort to stock up for the upcoming midterms season, premeds have rushed the Village CVS, emptying shelves of diapers and hydrocortisone cream alike. Last Wednesday, a complaint was filed to the CVS following a violent encounter between an elderly woman and a wild premed. The woman later recounted the traumatic experience: “She was like a blur. I was reaching for a pack of diapers, when suddenly my cane was kicked out from underneath me, and I was shoved to the floor. When I asked her to help me up, she said I deserved to be on the floor because I don’t have clinical experience saving people’s lives.”
CVS has since introduced a “senior hour” in the mornings so seniors can access their diapers during the premeds’ daily 1-hour sleep at 6 AM. Additionally, Emory administration has reallocated a portion of the condom budget to stocking the libraries and Atwood with diapers, stating that the premeds “never used the condoms anyways.” Starting in April, the Lessen Oncoming Doctors’ Embarrassment (L.O.D.E.) Initiative will place boxes around campus for pre meds to utilize.
L.O.D.E. hopes to bring awareness to our campus’ overworked future doctors, who frequently fade into the background of Emory’s student life – silent, dejected, and always smelling just a little bit like piss.
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