Spoke formally endorses Ms. Wh33l H8r in CC election

Over the past weeks, the Emory student body and the Spoke Editorial Board have had the opportunity to observe and evaluate the perspectives and agendas of the various candidates for Emory College Council. After brief deliberation on a short list of principles and ideals, the Emory Spoke has chosen to officially endorse Ms. Wh33l H8r.

We have no idea what her views are on any topics unrelated to The Wheel, but honestly, we don’t care. Her accurate and factual opinion that The Wheel sucks is enough for our superficial and insubstantial vote, endorsement, and eternal devotion.

H8r brings excellent credentials to this position with a totally legitimate MA degree in university magazine management from Anything But the Wheel University (ABWU) and four years of service in the a publishing malpractice office of Sterk & Nair. She acquired a great deal of experience setting aflame to local, county, and state newspapers before becoming the self-proclaimed messiah of university print media. This dauntless pyromania demonstrates a strong devotion to actually decent writing, fighting for hard hitting journalism that she says should be at the standard of “above a 5th grade level.”

We know Ms. H8r is a bold candidate – a candidate that’s not afraid to ruffle some feathers to get an 8-count chicken nugget meal. We need someone who will tell us the truth. We need someone who isn’t afraid to tell idiotic people that they are in fact idiots that they should die in a hole, in the service of bettering society, of course.

As the national government has innovatively illustrated, we need someone to tweet how they feel, and tweet how to make policy change. We need a voice who will mock university leaders using colorful Homeric epithets such as “Small Missile Male,” “Untruthful Ted,” or “Bent Hilary.”

Our heroic Emory equivalent follows this mission for honest democracy by bravely tweeting:

“the emory wheel’s ‘editorial’ is illustrative of a trend – inability for ‘journalists’ to fact-check and write above a 5th grade level.”

This tweet is notable on many levels, starting with the invalidation of both Emory and The Wheel by writing both the university and the “editorial” in lowercase, signifying that both should be put in their place by not giving them the reassurance that they are in fact proper noun-worthy.

This is not a high school AP English pattern of over-analysis of a classic piece of writing; this is fact. We need a College Council president who will undermine and neglect not just The Wheel, but all Emory clubs and initiatives. And we absolutely need two student governments, each making efforts to oppose and disapprove of not just our campus-wide organizations, but also each student as an individual.

This is the forthright type of leadership Emory needs right now. Emory needs Ms. Wh33l H8r, and she needs us. Vote now at the spot behind the libs where all the cool kids smoke. Polls are open from March 27-31. Make a difference. A vote for H8r is a vote to despise The Wheel, together and forever.

To create a more forceful impact, the Spoke staff writers have decided to collectively submit one vote for H8r. The power is in the people and the hatred – not the numbers.