The holidays are a much-deserved break from the stress of class. At long last you can eat real food and ditch the typical finals diet of Adderall, coffee, and juul rips you’ve been sneaking the past four hours in the eighth floor stacks. Whether it’s Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or New Year’s, this is a wonderful time to sit back and catch up with your family, unless of course your family’s like mine, then it sucks. Between your uncle talking about his boring job where he does something for someone-idk I stopped listening-, your grandma making everyone watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the seventh time, or being forced to participate in the annual matching Christmas sweater family photo that embarrasses you to the point you wish your family had never escaped the famine in the old country, what was relaxing soon becomes painful. It doesn’t have to be this way though, and with these 3 fool-proof methods, you can stave off boredom and have some joy, even if you’ll never get that joy from these people you (supposedly) love.
- Bring up politics
When all your family gets together, there’s bound to be pent up political tension, which means an argument (read “entertainment”) waiting to happen. All you gotta do is pick the right target. Next time you’re at dinner, say something like “what do you think about this whole ‘impeachment’ thing?” to your racist uncle. You know, that uncle who starts 1 in 8 sentences with “I’m not racist, but” and thinks “white people really have it rough right now.” Make sure you say it within earshot of your gender studies major sister, and just sit back and watch. Popcorn is optional.
- Go for “””walks””” with your cousin
Yeah. “””Walks””” and nothing else. The type of “””walks””” that leave you extra ~relaxed~ and probably needing some eyedrops. While your boring, white, cracker, family is preparing dinner, tell them your going for a “””walk””” to catch up with your cousin, the one that brews his own beer and is making his way through his third consecutive gap year, because he’s still “figuring shit out.” You’ll come back feeling relaxed and renewed, just make sure to bring some ozium.
- Play on your phone
An oldie but a goodie. A guaranteed break. While the rest of your family is listening to your great grandfather tell everyone about how kids today won’t understand the character-building potential of polio, you’ll be not doing that, and looking at your phone of choice. Play Solitaire, play Candy Crush, look at the score of the game, sell your textbooks for weed money, watch hardcore porn if you’re feeling saucy. Look at anything except your relatives’ dumb faces. Be prepared though. The boomers will be out in full-force. Get ready for the endless tirades of “you kids and your cellphones,” “you’re all obsessed with your phones.” No, aunt Kathy. I’m not addicted. I’m ignoring you. You’re an asshole and I have no desire to talk to you. I might have negative desire if that’s possible.
Don’t say that last part though. It’ll probably be taken the wrong way, and you’ll end up becoming entertainment for another bored family member – probably that cousin who spends all his time in the other room watching the game instead of socializing with his family and only comes to chat when he’s asking for money.
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