Dooley Launches Campaign to Become Emory’s Official Mascot: “Because Nobody Needs Another Damn Bird Mascot”

When Lord Dooley announced his plan to run for the official mascot of Emory, many students found themselves thinking the same thing: “I didn’t realize that was an electable position.” As it turns out, Swoop the Eagle has been covering up the elections since 1960, and has continued to run unopposed. The shocking revelation was discovered by the Emory Wheel, proving that even a broken clock is right twice a day.

When asked why he decided to run, Dooley answered, “because nobody needs another fucking bird mascot. The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how boring Swoop is. Oh, he’s an eagle, how special. Did you know there are seven other mascots named Swoop? Meanwhile, how many colleges have a skeleton wearing a top hat as their mascot?” We checked. There aren’t any.

Dooley has proven overwhelmingly popular in the polls, and has already received endorsements from Kaldi’s and the Woodruff Library. His slogan, “Out With the Old, In With The Much Older,” can be found on banners all over campus. The Spoke has reached out to Swoop’s campaign, but he has refused to comment. Unfortunately, Swoop’s campaign reached a roadblock when his manager was caught drinking a Pepsi. The manager was, of course, fired. Dooley’s campaign team, which is made up entirely of ghosts and skeletons that cannot physically drink, has had no such issues.

Swoop has been endorsed by the WoodPEC (unsurprisingly), but despite this boost, he is still dragging considerably behind Dooley. Some students have suggested a cage fight between the two candidates, but President Fenves has pointed out that the wrestling arena is for faculty use only (not including that one time that Ad Hoc snuck in to reenact the rumble from West Side Story). Also, Dooley is a skeleton, and Swoop is a bird, so I’m not sure how the two would physically fight in the first place. As such, it seems that the election will be settled at the polls, the old-fashioned way.

We at the Spoke are a newspaper, and therefore are not allowed to sway public opinion on political figures, but… come on. We cannot say for sure, but it might be time to get ready for the “Emory Skeletons.”