Wagner has New Lightsaber, Believes Emory is Coruscant
New “Amorous Admins” calendars mounted in every dorm and fresh, unsqueezed tubes of toothpaste resting on every bathroom countertop means January has arrived, signaling the start of James Wagner’s second semester of senior year. Returning to presidential duties would normally sour anyone’s holiday cheer, however, President Wagner was especially merry when he strolled into his first day back at work with his new light-up, rumble effect lightsaber as seen in Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
“Debbie is too good to me,” Wagner gleefully expressed from his desk covered in Star Wars action figures. “I came home one night from and under the menorah, sure enough, Anakin’s lightsaber! I mean, I would have preferred Kylo Ren’s lightsaber, but Anakin’s will do. It instantly brought me back to my childhood days spent running about Tosche Station and watching the binary sunsets at the moisture farm back on Tatooine.” Wagner let out a sigh and gazed longingly at the Emperor Palpatine Fathead wall decal across his desk.
“Yeah, he thinks he lived the star wars,” explained Karen Gilberson, a student intern in the president’s office. “Ever since he saw the new movie he hasn’t been able to talk about anything else. I think the stress from his last year is starting to get to him…”
“It’s a little concerning,” Vice-President and Jar Jar Binks sympathizer Gary Hauk revealed in a private email that intern Karen leaked to the Spoke. “Yesterday I saw him chasing a kid in a black hoodie across Asbury Circle telling him he would bring balance to the force. I mean, we all saw the movie, we all agreed it was pretty okay, right? He’s taking this fanboy thing way too far…I’ve got a bad feeling about the Cantina party on Friday.”
“President Wager, I need your signature on these bills before we send them over to Campus Finances.” Karen’s words were barely audible over the whooshes and humming sound effects Wagner was making as he swung his lightsaber and leaped from chair to chair in his office, knocking over the assortment of lamps and decorations adorning the tables. “You shall address me as Master Wagner, padawan,” he shouted, “or I shall find a worthier apprentice!”
As he tried to force push a bookshelf out the window, Dean of Emory College Robin Forman entered the room donning a Chewbacca onesie. “Sir, I’m afraid I come bearing some bad news,” he sullenly remarked, holding a piece of paper in his furry, Wookie hands. “The board of trustees…They’ve rejected your proposal to build a Sarlacc pit on McDonough Field and have issued a vote of no confidence.”
Wagner’s sheathed his lightsaber with a quick “vwip!” noise and took the letter from Forman’s hand.
“Mentioned something about ‘immediate danger to everyone,’” Forman added.
As President Wagner read slowly through the letter, confirming Dean Forman’s news, the glint of optimism as blue as Cloud City’s skies left his eyes. He quietly paced over to the side of his office to console with his Yoda stuffed doll before hurling it at the incomplete Lego Death Star in the corner. Now more than ever, he needed a new hope.
“Master Wagner!” Dean Joanne Brzinski burst through the doorway clad in her Jedi robes, green lightsaber in hand. “The Board of Trustees!” Wagner stared blankly back at her. Dean Brzinski quickly corrected herself. “I mean the Council of Elders! They um, breached the citadel and are laying siege to the library!”
With a click and a soft buzz from under his breath, Wagner whipped out his lightsaber and front-flipped over his desk, sprinting out to defeat the evil forces attacking his university for most likely his last time ever. “Let’s go Chewie,” he proclaimed. “GRRRWAAAARRGGHH ” cried Dean Forman as he chased both Jedi masters out into the hallway, their sound effects echoing throughout the administration building.