Suspicious Buzzing Packages Flood Valentine’s Day Mailroom

Screen Shot 2015-02-19 at 5.37.16 PMAs the fourteenth of February approaches, DUC Mail Center staff have reported to the Spoke that it has received an unusually large number of the number of “mysterious, buzzing, and aggressive” packages. Early in the morning of February 13th, the first buzzing package arrived, and immediately attracted the attention of members of the mail service staff and onlookers.

“We thought there was a chance the vibrating, cylindrical object on the rack might be an explosive, especially because of the ‘CONFIDENTIAL! DO NOT OPEN!’ notice on it,” said Brian Brown, mail center manager. “It soon stopped buzzing, though, so no campus-wide lockdown was necessary.”

“I thought it was one of those fancy toothbrushes that like takes all the enamel or something off of your teeth,” Junior Seth Bornstein told the Spoke. “Uh, I guess some people have really big mouths?”

Some students had other guesses about the packages. “I bet it was a bomb and that The Emory University Staff are just lying to us to hide THE TRUTH,” said Sophomore conspiracy theorist, political science major Christopher Wren

“I once got a hotdog boiler delivered here,” Fifth year Senior Jake Weir reminisced. “Yeah. Good times.”

“Maybe we are finally getting our bee colony!” optimistic biology professor Vladmir Krushock guessed.

The Spoke was able to get an interview with the student who’s package created the disturbance. Tense and embarrassed, she asked to take the interview outside:

“Look,” said Freshman Jessica Silverstein, who asked to remain anonymous, “I just want to remember all the mediocre sex I’ve had and masturbate to Drake. He was so special. I know a piece of plastic won’t be the same, but I want something so inadequate it’s life like.”

Many other similarly vibrating cylindrical packages with threatening notes have arrived since this incident, often in much larger boxes and featuring images from the upcoming 50 Shades of Grey movie, but the mail staff no longer takes bomb threat precautions. Sophomore Flora Vale, recipient of one of the packages, just winked when asked about the size.

Another object was marked, “CAUTION: FRAGILE! DO NOT OPEN WITHOUT PROTECTIVE CLOTHING.”

“Oh, its just the fire ants,” a visibly disappointed Professor Krushock told the Spoke. “I promised my wife that….my wife is going to….I guess I’m not going to be sitting down much tomorrow.”