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Rejected Goizueta Student Will Never Know Joy of Filling Out Form 3-A in Triplicate

"We regret to inform you that you will never make it in this world. Cheers, Goizueta"

“We regret to inform you that you will never make it in this world.

Local Goizueta applicant Andrew Bershmeir’s hopes were dashed early last Sunday upon learning that he was not accepted to Emory’s prestigious BBA program, irreparably crushing his dream of one day happily filling out various notarized forms for the regional accounting firm of his choice.

“This is total,” said Bershmeir. “I worked my ass off four days a week so that I could get into the B-School, graduate, and comfortably settle into a life filled with W-9’s and fee deferments. Now I’ll be lucky if I see even an Equity-6T.”

Bershmeir, sophomore and assistant vice general manager of the Information Securities Society of Harris Hall, had been photocopying and filing in preparation for his projected dream job for years, even securing a post-freshman year internship at Schmittsville Used Hyundai.

Bershmeir told the Spoke that he has been dreaming of form filing and pencil pushing ever since his dad left a carbon copy of a 24-Z on the kitchen table when he was a child. “It was love at first sight. I still remember the crisp sensation of the bright pink direct deposit authorization. It was cool to the touch, and brimmed with implied corporate power. I knew then what I wanted to do.”

Bershmeir regrets missing out on the opportunity not to process and duplicate several specific forms. “It’s immaculate,” Bershmeir said of form 3-A, accounts receivable processing form. “3-A,” Andrew said, salivating, “is my favorite. I can’t even describe it. And now,” Andrew said, sniffling, “I’ll never even get to touch one, unless I file for divorce in the state of North Dakota and need to relinquish a certain quarterly proportion of my assets, as per marital arrangement.”

At press time, Bershmeir was relieved to realize that a future of meaningless bureaucracy was not totally out of reach, after discovering multiple open administrative positions at Emory University.

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