Ray the Roach: Interviewing a Legend

Ray the Roach is an infamous member of the Emory community. One could say that Ray is so ubiquitous that we don’t even register him as he scurries past us while we walk down the halls of Clairmont. The Spoke reached out to Ray to request an exclusive interview for Roach Week 2016. We met at Ray’s favorite cafe, the garbage remains left behind by the trash chute, in the Undergraduate Residential Center Building D parking lot.

raytheroachES: Thank you so much for agreeing to interview! I am honored to be interviewing such a campus celebrity.

RR: It’s been ten years since a student acknowledged me, so I was shocked when I saw your message written in raisins beside my home. What took you guys so long?

ES: Well, we’ve busy covering non-insect topics for the past decade. JWags and company kept us entertained for a while-

RR: Yes, for a while there it seemed like Emory was going to hell in a hand bag. My friends at Wash U wouldn’t stop gloating, it was highly irritating.

ES: Oh, you have friends at Wash U? I’m just curious, but how do you guys keep in touch?

RR: Roaches travel far and wide. It’s mostly just an extended version of the idiotic children’s game ‘Telephone.’ My friend Billy hides in the glove compartment of one of the Georgia Tech buses and passes along a message to his friend who goes to the AMTRAK station downtown, who passes my meager news on to someone headed to St. Louis. *Looks at Spoke Writer* Stop dozing off, young lady, I’m not that boring.

ES: Of course not, sir. How old are you exactly, Ray?

RR: What an impertinent question, and from an undergraduate, no less! I am 23 years old, ancient for a roach, but I feel especially old when the freshman-

ES: We call them First-Years now.

RR: Oh, I see, we think we’re like University of Virginia or Georgia Tech, now? Has it become acceptable to take more than four years to graduate?

ES: Well, no, but it’s because-

RR: Anyways, in August, when the new kids (or whatever you want to call them) move in- I feel especially decrepit because I relate more to their parents or, god forbid, their grandparents than to the children. Such sinewy legs, such sustained energy, oh to be young again!

ES: When did you move to Emory’s campus, or were you born here?

RR: I was born in Dobbs hall, under a cardboard box, in 1994. In 2002, I was part of the historic Great Migration to Clairmont. Most of us died en route. I am lucky that I didn’t get stepped on or eaten by a pigeon, which were the tragic fates of two of my siblings, may they rest in peace.

ES: What precipitated the migration to Clairmont? Do you like living here still, 14 years later?

RR: We roaches had to migrate Clairmont in ’02 because they were fumigating all the old buildings- Dobbs, Alabama, and McTyiere (rest in peace, old friends). Clairmont had just opened and we wanted it to be settled by historical Emory roach families. And oh my, you are correct, it has been 14 years! I still love Clairmont. So much free range, so much food gone to waste, so much space for me to roam. We have created our own independent community here, totally separate from the Good Ole boys that run the roach community at Dobbs now, but don’t tell them I said that.

ES: Do you have any thing you want to say to the people who are scared of roaches?

RR: I would say, “Aren’t you guys supposed to be smart? Don’t you realize that you are way larger than us and therefore you have no reason to be screaming?” I would also want to point out that I have feelings too, and it’s hurtful when people act as if I carry the plague.

ES: Thank you for your time, Ray!

RR: No problem, honey. Give me some sugar before you go? *Gestures at cheek*

ES: *smiles through teeth* Good bye!

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