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Sources report that after watching Pepsi’s new commercial, the CEO of Atlanta’s own Coca-Cola Company drunkenly gifted Emory University another $105 million in company stock in the midst of their celebration.
In a failed attempt to capture the counter-culturally appropriative spirit behind Coke’s revolutionary “Buy the World a Coke” campaign, Pepsi’s in-house advertising department aired this ad without prior approval from the Ask a Minority consulting firm.
The commercial portrays a protest group of attractive people marching with missionless signs.
At the behest of the middle-aged white male creative director who wanted to bring up the fact that he participated at a protest one time while he was at Berkeley, the ad stars the taller Jenner no one gives a shit about. The profoundly sound logic of this universe compels her to leave her glamorous modeling shoot to join the rabble outside, presumably because it was a riot against ugly people, who she is known to hate as much as or more than “the poors.”
World peace is achieved only when she hands an unsettlingly handsome police officer a Pepsi can. National consensus is that this advertisement was tone deaf on the issue of police brutality and unfairly depicts playing the cello as cool.
After watching the advertisement that Pepsi likely spent millions on, Coca-Cola paid tribute to the fall of their arch-nemesis by throwing a company-wide rager. Insiders described Coca-Cola’s CEO, Muhtar Kent, as “fucking turnt.”
Kent graciously opened his heart and wallet when he drunkenly “made it rain” $105 million in Coca-Cola Company stock on Emory’s main quad. The confused students who had been shirking responsibilities there eagerly played along, throwing all documentation of their crippling student loans on the lawn as well.
Kent was later seen making out with a portrait of Asa Candler.
At the close of the night, Kent got on Venmo and paid Pepsi’s CEO, Indra Nooyi, $4.20 with the caption “maybe next time fam :’)”
What Kent and his financial experts did not predict was that his $105 million in Coke stock would become a $6.5 billion endowment overnight. Pepsi sold their shares to Nivea and United Airlines out of sheer embarrassment. Pepsi-lovers, who had terrible taste in soda to begin with, switched to Coke before nightfall as they found themselves in dire need of caffeine and carbonation. The rapid switch by the 30-ish people who actually liked Pepsi sent Coke stock skyrocketing.
At press time, Jenner was horrified she had only been paid $1 million for the American public’s ill will and had wasted a perfectly good wig. At the same time, the model’s mother was furiously preparing an iPhone Notes app screenshot about cyberbullying for Kendall to post on Twitter.
Vive la révolution.