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New Yik Yak Premium Allows Users to See Tears of Those They Offend

Each tissue used gives the Yak poster 50 extra Yakarma.

Each tissue used gives the Yak poster 50 extra Yakarma.

Looking to satisfy investors and maximize profits, Yik Yak has recently released a 99 cent premium version of their app, allowing users to get a clear view of the tears streaming down the faces of those their posts offend.

The new premium feature shows users pictures of the teary eyed wusses wherever they have begun sobbing, whether in the comfort of their own home contemplating their self worth, or in the bathroom during a meal with their disappointed parents.

“Sometimes it’s hard to tell the impact that my criticism has on those I post about,” Sophomore, casual racist Ken Abramaof told the Spoke. “Yik Yak Premium lets me fill the void and assures me that there is still a way to make a difference on campus.”

“I get push notifications from Premium letting me know when my victims have just totally fucking lost it,” said freshman Lucy Stein. “Really takes the edge off during Anthro 101.”

Even university researchers have made good use of these new features. “I’m using Yik Yak premium to measure the saline concentration of the tears of college sophomores.” said Dr. Betsy Roberts of the Chemistry Department. “While I can’t speak for the whole department, I do think that these features have really expanded our ability to scientifically analyze whiny pissants.”

Roberts noted that her forthcoming report also found that two additional standard deviations lower level of insensitivity were needed to offend ATO members versus Beta members.

Not everyone is happy with this change, however. “Yik Yak Premium is all that is wrong with internet anonymity” red, puffy-eyed administrator Stephen Green told the Spoke. “While the Emory Administration recognizes the need for student criticism of officials, the post alleging latent homosexuality in our homecoming week activities was simply uncalled for.”

“Wait, got something in my eye,” Green clarified.

At press time, a lone tear was seen slowly trickling down the face of Kappa Sigma president Jon Weinstein.

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