Why You Must Suffer: A Commentary by EmoryUnplugged

Greetings, Emory student. Have a seat. Watch as your feeble Wi-Fi connection flickers on and off. That episode of 30 Rock you’re watching? Buffering. For one brief moment, you’ll catch a glimpse of an Alec Baldwin that looks less like a suave businessman and more like a swarm of angry pixels. Oh look – again, buffering. Finally, you close your laptop in frustration. Your hopes and dreams? Extinguished. And that’s how I like it.

You mortals have no choice but to use me. You have no choice but to trust me with your Facebook correspondance, your class selections, that important online homework you need to submit to your Microeconomics professor before a strict midnight deadline. Whoops… too late. You should’ve seen that 11:59 pm network interruption coming. Maybe you should’ve finished that assignment yesterday.

Why do I do this? Ask yourself, Emory student – when was the last time you placed a bowl of freshly harvested grain before one of my many ceiling-hanging Wi-Fi altars? How about your fattest slain lamb? Do you think a Wi-Fi “network,” in this day and age, can just get by without frequent offerings and sacrifices? I’ve been around for years and I have seen nary an incense candle lit in my honor.

This is it, Emory. Either you throw yourselves before me and plead for mercy or I will continue my reign of torment. Continue with your insolence and you will never again be able to stream your precious high definition pornography and I will continue to chortle with delight each and every time a simple web page takes a full 35 seconds to load. I can only imagine how much of an enjoyable experience Add/Drop/Swap must be.

Don’t blame the university with the $5.4 billion dollar endowment – blame yourselves and your collective hubris. If you wanted fast and consistent internet, you should have gone to Wash-U.

Best wishes,

EmoryUnplugged