Local Boy Hears “Fight Song,” Inspired to Ask Out Girl He’s Been Stalking
Edgar Lullbish used to listen to Pinkerton while he fantasized about the Japanese girls in his orientation group and cutting their hair to weave into a Pantene-scented shirt to wear under all his nightclothes. Best known as the “village creep” of Harris Hall’s second floor, Lullbish was notorious for his morose nature, extreme pettiness, and his ability to guilt-trip people into doing his bidding because he was, as an anonymous source described, a “crazy bitch.”
However, he was considering ending his reign as a public nuisance after Genevieve Yamamoto filed a restraining order against him following an incident during which he threatened to cut off the ear of her lab partner, Andre Green. The anonymous tip also revealed that he had been mailing her grandparents samples of his cheek cells. For some time, only Death Cab’s “Transatlanticism” and “Tiny Vessels” could be heard emanating from his room, which smelled suspiciously of burning hair.
All that was to change on February 13 when he walked into the DUC and heard the first few measures of Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song.” He emerged from Dobbs Market not with spoons, cups, or forks, but with a newfound vigor and energy in his pursuit of Yamamoto.
“All that pre-2000s indie rock made by sad white men bummed me out and made me dwell on my mistakes,” Lullbish said as he whittled a likeness of Yamamoto in soap. “But then I realized that I’m wrong in all the right ways. I’m a total underdog in my own story and I’m hashtag flawless.” He proudly showed off his Spotify Discover playlist, pointing out the new Katy Perry and Sara Bareilles songs the algorithm carefully curated for him.
“I’ve heard unrestricted self-confidence is really good for you,” he continued. “I know I’m not an insecure teenage girl suffering from imposter syndrome due to the societal norms placed on young women. But where are the self-empowerment anthems for people like me?”
Last Tuesday, Yamamoto was declared “technically missing.” She was last seen dialing the SafeRide number for the forty-third time within the hour. If anything is known about her whereabouts, please poke the Emory Police Department on Facebook.