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Johnny Loses the Farm to DUC Vegas

The Dobbs University Center committee brought Vegas to Emory. A night of playful fun and the perfect chance to develop a new addiction proved far more devastating for one junior student, Johnny Pare, who ended the night betting his family’s farm on a pair of threes.
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At the beginning of the night, Pare shared with the Spoke that he was jaded by his previous sources of debauchery. “Drinking and drugs, it’s all the same, man. My mom doesn’t even get mad anymore when I tell her that I’m hungover. If my parents are okay with it, then what’s the point?” Pare said.

In search of a new source of vice and parental outrage, Pare found himself spellbound by the gambling allure that the DUC had to offer at this event. He sat down at the first table he saw, which he later found out to be Texas Hold ‘Em. “I originally thought it was blackjack for the first few turns. That explains why people scoffed when I folded with a pair of kings that first hand. I figured it out eventually.”

Pare began by throwing $300 onto the table. The dealers told him there was fake money available, but Pare refused. One dealer explained that his direct quote was, “When I want to smoke weed, I don’t roll an empty joint.” His logic was sound, so the dealers let him play with the real money. The game was on. Still unsure of how to play Texas Hold ‘Em, Johnny tried his best to figure it out on the spot. He folded on all hands that were not doubles, thinking that were the only hands in which the player an advantage over the house. On top of this, he assumed that the five cards dealt were the dealer’s cards, so he ignored them.

The strategy did not work in his favor, as his initial investment of $300 soon became $600. Out of money in his bank account, he eventually bet his watch, phone, laptop, kidney, and roommate. When the House would not accept the bet of his roommate, that is when Johnny bet his family farm instead. The cards were dealt, and Johnny’s face lit with excitement. He got a pair of threes, which he saw as a winning hand. When the freshmen girl wearing Alabama hall songfest shirt and plastic visor at the other end of the table pulled out a full house, Johnny thought he had won. His joy quickly turned sour as the girl asked for the address of “her new farm.”

The freshman girl, Shanice Johanneson, had the farm seized the following day. The Pare family that once inhabited it is now living with their cousins in “the big city” of Wichita, Kansas. The family member taking the move the hardest is the family Border Collie, Rascal. Johnny talked to his beloved canine brother on the phone. While we only heard barks coming from the other side, Johnny explained that Rascal misses rolling in the cow manure. He says rolling in the city trash has the same effect, but just doesn’t feel right.

At press time, Johnny’s mood had changed from woeful to vibrant as he found out that he won the raffle for a ticket to the Georgia Aquarium. Raising the ticket over his head in a triumphant gesture, Johnny said he somehow did not regret the disastrous spree at DUC Vegas.

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