IFC Walkthrough Discovers Fraternity Doomsday Device

An IFC inspector tacks off another demerit against Chi Phi for anti-aircraft artillery.
An IFC inspector tacks off another demerit against Chi Phi for anti-aircraft artillery.

On Feb. 18, the Emory Police Department (EPD) responded to a call regarding a proton powered doomsday device being built on Eagle Row. A mandatory IFC walkthrough in the Chi Phi house revealed a 4000 square foot fully staffed science lab and research facility in one of the brother’s rooms. IFC reportedly witnessed a team of thirty to forty chill frat bros experimenting with cold fusion throughout the night.

This could be the final straw for Chi Phi, which is currently on thin ice after blueprints for a plutonium enrichment facility were discovered under a pile of Natty Lite cans in January. In the past three months they have received multiple citations for parking violations, the general openness of kegs in their vicinity, and mass conspiracy to install a new world order. The IFC may use them to set an example to other fraternities who may also be building quantum enabled world destroying machinery.

IFC representatives also discovered a “Deep Earth Seismic Trigger Initiative” or “Destini Device”, a destructive earthquake machine that would also frame the U.S., pitting it against China and Russia in a nuclear Third World War. Repercussions could be as serious as the fraternity losing its house in the coming semester.

“Everyone knows that all fraternities build sci-fi doomsday devices in their basements, they were just the one to get caught. If they lose the house, they’ll probably just keep building super-science machines off campus. Guys will be guys.” said Brad Chadworth, Goizueta junior and former Phi Delta Theta brother.

“These days, anything counts as a doomsday device. A fraternity can’t even force their members to gather key components of a power-grid destroying supercomputer without IFC getting on their ass,” an unnamed fraternity member stated. “How else are we supposed to encourage brotherly bonding?”

No brothers have come forth and revealed who exactly organized the construction of the laboratory. IFC believes they have it down to three possible culprits: Craig Retters, college sophomore, Trent Zachford, Goizueta senior or Dr. Sinestro Nefarious, a freshman pledge.