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“I Am Basically Scarface”- A Commentary by the Freshman with Four Beers

Welcome to my room, my fellow first-years! Take a moment to admire my exquisite art collection- do you like it? I purchased these lovely works from the poster sale last week, and they weren’t cheap. The extra-large ones cost almost five dollars each. Take a seat, these six hundred thread count Egyptian cotton sheets are the best Bed, Bath, and Beyond had to offer.

I heard that you like to party. Yes, I have my ear to the ground- and I also happened to have my ear against the wall between our rooms when you were talking to your roommate. I also partake in a little partying myself- that’s why I own not one, but FOUR whole beers that I stole from my emotional, unsuspecting parents’ fridge right after I kissed my childhood bedroom goodbye.


Aren’t I clever? Who else has ever been so ingenious to use a paper bag to hold their contraband?


Oh, don’t worry about the RA. I protect all my partners in crime. This room is my kingdom, and like Simba I rule all that the eye can see, except that half which my roommate John told me was off limits to me and my “stupid friends.” John is obviously Scar in this analogy, if Scar was the one who consistently fucked to “Can You Feel the Love Tonight.” But alas, neither John nor the RA is aware of my dangerous alter ego, the merciless Al Capone-like lion prince who harbors four alcoholic beverages.

Such is life for a modern day Scarface like me. I value luxury, the finer things, and I will show no mercy if you stand in my way. Once my facial hair has caught up with the picture on my older brother’s ID, I will ravage the Toco Hills suburban hellscape with an unprecedented fury.

You don’t believe me? How dare you! Truly, I am ruthless, especially when desperately attempting to impress fraternity members and women, none of whom apparently want to join my crime family. I sneer at those who tell me to “shut the fuck up” and “stop telling that stupid story again, we’ve already heard it five times!” Once I rule this school, they will all feel my wrath.

Don’t you see, together we can rattle this old school.  Just a man and his four beers on the path to power and success, that’s me. Although I’ll need you to leave soon because the malevolent narc John will soon return from some “party” he was invited to, I am glad to have met you all as we begin on our path to glory. And be sure not to forget me when y’all go to the DUC tomorrow, okay?

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