Dear Emory Community:
As you may know, I have recently achieved the status of “Best President Ever” by single-handedly raising the most money for Emory in its rich, albeit very awkward history.
However now is not the time for us to rest on my laurels. In fact, our community has even more work ahead of it, as I seem to have misplaced my new 1.7 billion dollar driving gloves. At this moment, I call on anyone in our community who has seen a pair of driving gloves around campus to please let me know.
Some might criticize a president for being so thoughtless as to lose his driving gloves, a man’s most prized possession. Others might worry how I would drive to campus in my Model-T without proper hand-wear. There are no clear answers to these concerns, but you can all rest assured that a crack investigation team is tracking down my gloves’ location. As I have already stated, these gloves are worth 1.7 billion dollars, and that’s not even taking into consideration their sentimental value. The price tag may raise some eyebrows in the community, but you should all understand these gloves were a gift, and it would have been rude if I turned them down. A few skeptics in the community, specifically auditors, may say that technically the money itself was a gift and that I used it to buy the gloves. These people are the reason we rank only 42nd on US News’ “List of Top Buzzkill-Free Campuses”.
So if anyone has seen them, please let me know. They’re a size nine, studded with conflict diamonds, and made of human leather, Caucasian. I’d suggest that you start by checking some of the locations that I visited last Saturday when I last had them. These include my front yard, the administration building, and Maggie’s. The locations after Maggie’s may have included Clermont Lounge, Pleasers, and possibly Teasers. Honestly I can think of at least a dozen other locations where I may have left the gloves that night, but as my attorney would say, it would be legally unwise for me to disclose my affiliation with these places to the public.
Since we are on the subject of Emory Community’s buzzkillers, I would also like to take this moment to address a complaint among those who believe the 1.7 billion dollars gained from fundraising could cover the costs of the departments impacted by the recent cuts. I would rather not discuss Emory’s financial records right now, but suffice it to say such an action in the long term would simply be a gross misuse of your parents’ money.
That being said, the Emory Community is truly one of a kind, and I have no doubt that together we can find my gloves.
Jim “Ol’ Jimmers” Wagner