KINGDOM OF HEAVEN- After local father and miserable cretin James O’Donoghue again refused to buy a PS4 gaming system for his son this Christmas, God commanded the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future to visit the churlish tightwad Mr. O’Donoghue tonight. The holy command was confirmed to Spoke reporters by an omnipotent, ubiquitous, all-knowing source that preferred to remain anonymous.
Mr. O’Donoghue is the scrimping father of the adorable Emory sophomore Stumpy Steve, who has spent months begging for the next generation gaming system. Mr. O’Donoghue was a visual arts professor for Emory University, and is currently seeking employment at other institutions.
“O’Donoghue is a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, ol’ fucker,” alleged our source, “and it’s time that I- I mean that God- taught him a lil’ lesson about the spirit of Christmas, you know, a lil’ divine intervention, so to speak.”
According to our source the three ghosts will each take turns breaking and entering the O’Donoghues’ home, abducting the chintzy Mr. O’Donoghue from his bed, and leading him on a journey through space and time that begins with traumatic childhood memories and ends with horrifying visions of the future. Our source insists that such drastic interventions “happen all the time” on Christmas Eve, and have a 100% success rate in teaching skinflint cheapskates the spirit of Christmas.
“The first two ghosts are there to show him the good ol’ days, take him to some parties, ya know show him a good time, lull him into a false sense of security” the anonymous source conferred.
“Then the third ghost, I mean if you could see him, well he’s gonna scare the shit right out of his ass. Badabing PS4 for Stumpy Steve, badaboom his dad is less of an ol’ fuck.”
“Oh I do ever wish my papa would give me the Sony PS4,” Stumpy Steve cutely chirped to reporters this morning, “it wouldn’t really be Christmas without a Sony PS4, only $400 plus taxes at our neighborhood Best Buy!”
News of the impending divine intervention was unable to open the shut-up heart of clever old hoarder Mr. O’Donoghue, who grumpily harumphed at reporters, “I lost my job at Emory a year ago and still haven’t told my son, God, what are we going to do?” with his usual icy shrewdness.